I was looking through my old pictures to fulfill a Brene Brown class assignment to find myself in a wholehearted moment. The point was to see what that looks like. Starting at birth I noticed the open face, the big smile. I kept going until somewhere around ten years of age the posing began. I was self-conscious.; trying to appear like someone instead of being candid. Seeing the picture below I found what I was looking for.
- I wanted to be more American
- I wanted to stay Papa's little girl
- I wanted to be super smart like my brothers
- I wanted to be the quiet, talented kid my older parents assumed I was.
- I wanted to be popular at school
- I wanted to be churchy to get back at my Dad
- I pretended that I could be all things things at the same time.
If I could talk to her now I would give her permission to be ordinary. To continue doing things that she loved like swimming, drawing, making scrapbooks and such. Being smart and cool sounded desirable but I wore these traits like a jacket. It was so nice to take them off to get some fresh air.
"We don’t talk about the hustle for worthiness that’s become such a part of our lives that we don’t even realize that we’re dancing."
Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 37).