You Belong Nowhere, You Belong Everywhere

You do not need to negotiate your belonging with the world.

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

My husband came up with the words, "she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness". He is talking about the writing of Brené Brown, and he is spot on. The sidewalk she builds comes from vocabulary that defines but also encapsulates our common experiences. The curb along the sidewalk encourages us to fully travel wide but describes boundaries that make for a more civil journey.

     My seven year old granddaughter made the picture above for my birthday. I belong in my cute little house with children at my door. The easel hints at my creative life to which I aspire. The piano is my workspace and my solace. She gets me.

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.” —

I will continue writing my Nurturing Mondays and will be joining Five Minute Friday writers, as well.

Thanks for reading along.

If you want to go back and read click here. Two years ago I wrote for 31 days about Brené's other book Rising Strong. Read those posts here.

What Have I Learned?

Reading is one step, remembering another, but doing, moving with and through a book is another step altogether.

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.


I am down to the last of writing everyday in October. Outside of the fact that my computer died mid month and I was using my husband's machine, which has quirks, this was a terrific experience. Some mornings I was writing at 4:00am and other days the day almost escaped me. Thank-you if you followed along. I believe I met my goal which was to unpack the book, Braving The Wilderness, and glean what was meant for me.

Brené Brown was calling me to recognize where I belonged and to bravely walk into the wilderness. The wilderness was a metaphor which could be a political arena, a work environment, family life, a marriage, a church community, facing medical issues, or getting older. Anywhere we are vulnerable and unsure of "our place" can be a wilderness. 

There were four directives for engaging in the wilderness.

1. People Are Hard To Hate Close Up. Move In.
2. Speak Truth To Bullshit. Be Civil.
3. Hold Hands. With Srangers.
4. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart

I tried to cover these in my posts and apply them to my own experience. I recommend you read the book yourself. My ramblings are not the same as reading it. Brené has a gift in naming life experiences and explaining how they can sustain us or bring us to an impasse. 

Because of this book I am seeing my wilderness as more an adventure than a punishment. I am more aware of people who "do" their wilderness with grace and kindness. As always in her books, I see the teachings of Jesus Christ demonstrated in a modern setting. She never says his name but he is the consummate wilderness trekker.

One more post tomorrow and if you want to go back and read click here. Two years ago I wrote for 31 days about Brené's other book Rising Strong. Read those posts here.

Wilderness Story II

"The resilience that comes from the scrutiny the wilderness and that"stronger sense of when we're not being true to what we think is right" is the mark a wild heart."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Four years ago, my friend Sharon started dialysis, three days a week, for the rest of her life. During an emergency visit to the hospital, it was discovered that her kidneys were working at two percent capacity. It was there that she had her first dialysis treatment and she was scared to go through the procedure. I asked her if she had come to peace with the truth that she would have this treatment forever onward. She laughed and said that she still fights the idea. That fleeting hope of one day her kidneys fully functioning is still there.

What I see in Sharon is a strong back, a soft front, and a wild heart. All attributes that serve her well in the wilderness of dealing with her health. The dialysis center tries to have a positive, pleasant atmosphere. She started out feeling scared and vulnerable but now I see her being outgoing and happy to do this four hour process of cleaning her blood. There are two cups of blood outside of her body going through purification at one time. 

     I see Sharon greeting technicians by name and commenting on how they are doing. They greet her back with affection that comes from frequent contact in a vulnerable place. She feels that she belongs there because of the warmth of the employees. Many are Filipino and call her "mam". 

   When asked who her favorite technician is she answered that they were all nice. The best technicians know what they are doing. Sharon has swallow veins and when they put the (size 14-15 knitting needle size) needle in her body she demands that they know how to do it correctly. The consequence of doing things ineffectively is that she bleeds. A treatment which inadvertently causes bleeding leaves her weak and unwell.

   Sharon's strong back helps her advocate for herself clearly, her soft front allows her to give love and receive affection, and her wild heart gives her a sense of true belonging and self-worth. You are the wilderness, Sharon.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts  

                          

Wilderness Story

 Sometimes The Wilderness Is Just A New Place Where You Feel Uncomfortable

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Amy appeared at my door one day to ask me to participate in a new group forming in our community. She needed musicians to help with bringing music participation to individuals coping with dementia, Alzheimers disease, and Parkinson's disease. She explained how playing an instrument affects the brain. I was intrigued and agreed to come see how things worked. I might have said no, considering my busy schedule, but I wanted to check out the idea of creating a band of amateur musicians. The organization Music Mends Minds had a very interesting website.

I learned that when dealing with memory loss music reaches past memory to a deeper place

            

The sensory experience of music binds with memory in the brain and makes it more powerful. 

Here are some things expressed by those who are suffering from memory loss and their caregivers.

You need to be around people
Playing music together offers a sense of freedom
Having something to do that is valuable and important
Cognition improves when playing music with others
Playing music lowers depression
Playing music raises energy
Playing an instrument requires muscle memory in the brain and is not impacted by dementia. Music is like another language.





At first as I involved myself with this group I had to deal with my own sadness. I met with people who I had known before their decline into memory loss. It was hard for me to "look loss in the face". Really, the weeks of holding back was about my own unwillingness to see my mortality. At some point I felt the impression to look at how I could contribute better. I started observing more and pulling away less. I saw how some people waited, while others chatted and did business. The idea came to me to play music at the piano, right away. I also observed the impact of rhythm and suggested a play along with simple instruments. That provided more of the idea of being in a band. In our group, very few really played an instrument. Everyone liked playing along with something that made sound. We are young still and I am eager to see how we progress. I hope I can help create moments of rest and relaxation for anxious minds. These words by a caregiver resonated with me.

"What radiates on the faces of the band and the audience is a sense of this moment of contentment that has nothing to do with suffering and all about the rewards of taking the risk to show up. They've paid their dues and now have a free lifetime membership to the sanctuary of the heart." 

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts  

Overcoming The Fear Of Not Belonging

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

How can we overcome the fear of not belonging? There is always someone wiser, more creative, smarter, more spiritual. Belonging is not acheived by being better than everyone else. That notion requires outside validation. Someone would have to agree that you are wiser and mre creative. Perhaps belonging comes when you increase the space around you. By that I mean, widen the circle of desire to understand. 

Where are your eyes? Jesus admonished to have our eyes single to the glory of God. His glory encompasses a huge and vast space. Looking for His glory will bring understanding. Your neighbor is in His glory. The stranger at the street light is in His glory.  Your estranged daughter is in His glory and his glory is bathing her with light so you can understand and see her. Everything and everyone belongs in His glory. Be not afraid, you belong.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts  

Belonging Or Fitting In

"Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be, but they don't care one way or the other."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

It seems to be a universal experience in adolescence to want to belong to a certain group and never truly fitting there. You are lucky if you had a group in which you belonged.

Even worse is the feeling that you don't belong in your family.  Perhaps they have priorities you can't get exicted about, or they push you to participate in an activity that you hate. Those tensions can feel like a lack of belonging.

Truly, it is a gift to bless other people with a sense of belonging. Being open hearted, interested, willingly to sacrifice for their good are all traits that people who create belonging. 

Fitting in is a counterfeit of belonging. 
More on belonging tomorrow.

                                      

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

Our Wild Heart

"A wild heart is not something you can always see--and yet it is our greatest possession."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

What is a wild heart?

• A wild heart can live out the paradoxes of life

A wild heart can straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle in the world and fighting for justice and peace, while also cultivating its own moments of joy.

• A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish it's own pain
• 
  
• A wild heart belongs no where
• 
  
• A wild heart belongs everywhere
• 
  

The ultimate wild heart belongs to Jesus Christ. He lived the tension between his Jewish tradition and his mission to elevate The Law. He stayed awake to the struggles of all mankind and still found joy in individual relationships. He talked of the pain he endured to atone for the sins of the world, but did not belittle the pain of others. He belonged nowhere, not in the Jewish synagogue and not always with his disciples. He belonged everywhere. In Samaria, eating with Publicans, and healing the sinner. He came from the wilderness, as his cousin John The Baptist. He calls me to the wilderness and asks that I look for my wild heart.

                                      

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

Paradox

"The only thing we know for certain is that on this quest into the wilderness we'll need to learn how to navigate the tension of many paradoxes."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

In it's Greek origins, paradox is the joining of two words, para (contrary to) and dokein (opinion). If all life were fair, equal, and same for everyone it would be easier, right? Or is spiritual maturity found in the embracing of opposites? Two opposites cannot be true at the same time, or can they?  

I can't be just and swift to right wrongs and be full of compassion amd mercy? I can't feel so tightly connected that my heart swells and also feel so utterly alone? I can't speak my truth and still listen to the opposite point of view patiently? Or is it true that belonging comes when I can navigate the paradox without losing faith. I have many questions about paradox. I will leave myself space to consider and experiment. 

                                    

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

The Vulnerability of Having A Soft Front

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Staying vulnerable with a soft front is a bit like being at sea. The shore is barely visible and all you care to do is grab hold of a life ring. The need for a strong back often includes an armored up front.

what are the rewards of staying vulnerable?

A soft and open front is not being weak; it's being brave, it's being the wilderness.

Yesterday in a teacher council I revealed to fellow teachers that I was having a difficult time holding my students to rules of behavior. I was teaching eight year olds who all need attention, at once. When they don't get attention they seek to disrupt and we all are held hostage to their behavior. 

   I have too much pride in my ability to teach and I felt like I couldn't see the answer across the water. Talking openly allowerd me to feel my commitment to these children. I heard myself express deep love for them and I realized my efforts were good. I could continue to show them my strong back, rules are necessary, and my soft front, I love you and want you to stay with me. 

Showing vulnerability helps others see you correctly, gives encouragement, and also gives you a glimpse of your own motivation which may stay obscured if you armor up to appear in control. 

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage-everything that bring meaning to out life." 

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

Strong Back, Soft Front

"If we are going to make true belonging a daily practice in our lives, we're going to need a strong back and a soft front. We'll need courage and vulnerability as we abandon the certainty and safety of out ideological bunkers and head off into the wilderness."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

It seems easy to accept that a strong back is invaluable in the wilderness. A strong back makes carrying a load of struggle easier. A strong back allows criticism to roll off. My strong back is compromised when I try to prove my worth or when I need to be validated by someone else. Today, on a sabbath, I will go to church to receive a blessing. My prayer today is to allow my Savior to strenghten my back by recognizing that I am yoked to Him and he has infinitely more resources than I ever will. As we trudge forward together I can rely on his strong back and allow the softening of my front. More on a soft front, tomorrow.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

Foreboding Joy

"We try to beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining the worst or by feeling nothing in hopes that "the other shoe" won't drop."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

The concept of foreboding joy was first introduced to me in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Yes, another great book by the author I'm currently reviewing. 

She described how we dampen down joy to prepare for the worst to come next.

Just last night I was rehearsing tragedy at the same time I was excited to get my car back from the repair shop. What if he couldn't really fix that loud tapping sound from the engine? What if he has to work for more than five hours and we can't get it back today? What if he finds more problems than expected? These worries, possible.but not real, take the potency away from the joy of having wheels back after two weeks.

   Brené gives an antidote to foreboding joy. It is gratitude practice. Every time I remember this I am struck by a momentary confusion. How does gratitude change things? Then I remember that gratitude is a mindset in "now". Thinking about what we are grateful for sets us on course to see the good in our lives at the present moment. Even if you are grateful for what happened in the past, the feeling of gratefulness is in your body today. It works. 

     

"Both joy and pain are vulnerable experiences to feel on our own and even more with strangers"

    

     So, let's hold hands when we go into the wilderness, and perhaps go in twos, even if it is just you and your own sense of belonging.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts 

Can You Discover Connection On Social Media?

"Social media are helpful in cultivating connection only to the extent that they are used to create real community where there is structure, purpose, and meaning, and some face to face contact."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Social media has blessed my life. I use it to reconnect with family, friends, and to visit with a community of artists spread around the country. Last year I contacted an Instagram friend and asked her if I could meet her at her art show an hour away. She was gracious and kind and everything her posts displayed. One to one, an in person meeting was really encouraging to my own work as an artist.




Ironically, social media can also disconnect. Many times after looking at Facebook and Instagram I feel frustrated. If my own confidence is weak, seeing others succeed can pull me down. Or, reading the rants and frustrations of others can make me feel anxious when there is nothing amiss around me at the present time.

As Brené states at the end of chapter 5, "The point I want to make is that the joy didn't come from reconnecting on Facebook. It came and still comes from our long walks, family Ping-Pong and four square tournaments, and watching movies together. Facebook was the catalyst. Face to face was the connection."

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts from earlier dates.

Creating False Intimacy

"When we come together to share authentic hope joy, hope, and pain, we melt the pervasive cynicism that often cloaks our better human nature. When we come together under the false flag of common enemy intimacy, we amplify cynicism and diminish our collective worth." 

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

What is common enemy intimacy? First of all, the picture below is my friend stting with me and sharing joy and hope. I use our picture to remind me that I have relationships where talking about others is not the norm. My friend is not a gossip. 

There are times when I have come together with others to rail on a common protagonist. Ar first it feels juicy and affirming but it leaves me feeling like a betrayer. Since we have trashed someone together would she do the same to me with someone else? Would I do the same to her? 

If building belonging is a goal then creating false intimacy is not going to get me there. If talking about others in a negative degrading way is on the table, then maybe feeling "out of place" is a better feeling, even if it means being a kill-joy.

"Common enemy intimacy is counterfeit connection and the opposite of true-belonging. " 

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts from earlier dates.

A Sensation Of Sacredness

"Collective effervescence is an experience of connection, communal emotion, and a "sensation of sacredness" that happens when we are part of something bigger than us."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Walking in the wilderness becomes so much more satisfying when we have experiences with strangers in collective joy and even collective sorrow.

              

Yesterday we celebrated two years since our little island started a Music Mends Minds band and sing-a-long at the Community Care Home. We gathered in a our concert hall and invited the whole town to join in. I played the piano and this was the first time back after knee surgery. When we all sang together I remembered the collective joy of singing silly lyrics and heartbreaking ballads. The singing connected old to young and rich and poor. There was no sorting there. You didn't have to be healthy, talented, or even in your right mind to enjoy singing songs from the 40's, 50's, 60's an so on.

"But the more we're willing to seek out moments of collective joy and show up for experiences of collective pain- for real, in person, not online,- the more difficult it becomes to deny our human connection, even with people we may disagree with."

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts.

Hold Hands With Strangers

"The key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Do you like being in a crowd of strangers? What if you are sharing an event that brings people together? What about a concert, wedding, or even a funeral. Do the strangers there have a temporary connection with you? 

Some time ago I attended a funeral for a young father who was killed in a car accident wih his infant daughter. I was his teacher as a teenager. It broke my heart. I don't do well at funerals but I went with a prayer that I would find a good reason for my being there. Strangers from his new life, friends and family from the wife, left tragically behind, we all greeted each other, clinging to each others hands to both give and receive comfort. I learned that a group can hold grief, that they can hold it for the family so that it is bearable for a time. It was an important lesson for me.

"When our belief that there's something greater than us, something rooted in love and compassion breaks then we are more likely to retreat to our bunkers, to hate from afar, to tolerate, to bullshit, to dehumanize others, and ironically, to stay out of the wilderness."

The wilderness is filled with unease, but we must go, and it is better  with others.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts.

Staying Connected

"Our connection, the spirit that flows between us and every other human being in the world, is not something that can be broken, however, our belief in the connection is constantly tested and repeatedly severed."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Halfway through the month of writing it would be good to do a recap of what I've learned. My goal in writing about this book has been to nurture the quest for true belonging. We all want to belong but in the words of Maya Angelou,

You are only free when you realize you belong no place---

you belong every place-----------no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

When we find we stand alone in the wilderness of interpersonal and societal conflict there are tools to navigate the wild. Most of it entails being true to your values and commitments. We aren't always our best selves in conflict but moving closer to people instead of turning away can show us underlying intentions and help us understand each other. Being civil in social media and respecting others beliefs will provide better information. 

These are the practices I am summarized and commented on so far:

• People are Hard To Hate Up Close. Move In.
• Speak Truth To BS. Be Civil

Still to come are:

• Hold Hands, With Stranger
• Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart

If you want to go back to other posts, link below:

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts.