Transformation infers that we are creating something new, we are not going back to dredge up the past, we will not be choosing who is right by engaging in conversation.
In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.
The wilderness seems to have these sticky relationships which easily resort to conflict. Is there a way to get to a place of tolerance without the fear of attack? Yesterday I wrote about:
- Explicitly addressing the underlying tensions and their motives.
- Today, I write about trying to bring the focus to now.
Why do we feel the need to point out the past mistakes in order to continue forward?
"You said that we would renovate the house as soon as our debts were paid off. Now you are dragging your feet again. "
"We really can't afford that now. Your over spending last year put us right back in the hole."
"That wasn't over spending. That was paying our doctor's bills."
"Not! It was your regular trips to the coffee shop. Buying the sales at the mall. You always overspend."
I don't have to go on. You can see by the dialog that these two people are in a wilderness of past disappointments. They can't go forward because they are blackmailing each other with the past.
"The critical first step is to shift the focus "Where are we now?" and the most important turning point comes when we focus on the future.
What are we trying to accomplish? What do we want our relationship to be going forward, and what do we need to do, even if we disagree, to create that future?
Tomorrow a reminder to listen.
It is easy for those past frustrations to linger- I think especially when they have not been dealt with completely at the time. But to move forward we do have to reach the point where we can let go of the past.
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