You Are Either With Me Or You Are My Enemy

The "you are either with us or against us" argument may be BS ninety five percent of the time.

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

There is a fog between us. When you announce that you cannot be my friend unless I feel the same way, my options narrow. I can pretend and stay silent, seeming to agree or I can jeopardize our friendship and walk away. 

   Or is there a third way? Might I ask you questions to make sure you are not setting me up for a false dilemma? Are there any alternatives where we can work this schism through?

" The only true option is to refuse to accept the terms of the argument by challenging the framing of the debate. This is an option that forces us into the wilderness. Why? Because the argument is set up to silence dissent and draw lines in the sand that squelch debate, discussion, and questions- the very processes that we know lead to effective problem solving."

This stance is very dangerous and better suited to life and death circumstances. Normally we don't take this stand intentionally but it arises out of fear, acute emotion, and lack of knowledge. These also are the very circumstances that lead to uncivil behavior. Evidence is visible on social media. It happens in families, communities, and in national debate.

A small example of this comes from my own home and parenting. 

The Parable of the Dishes

A mother of five lived each day with many chores, too many to manage. She, rightfully, enlisted the help of her children to do the dreaded chore of washing the dishes. Personally, this job was her least favorite and so she made a job chart and hounded her children to get their turn finished by bedtime. Weeks turned into months and often the dishes were still stacked on the sink as she started breakfast, which made for a depressing beginning to her day. The reminders changed from charts to words to all out shame attacks. The highlight was the morning she walked into her son's high school first period and told the teacher she was taking her son home to do his dishes. Obviously her children did not love her since they could not do this simple chore once a week. (This was the "you are either with me or against me" argument)

What this mother, name withheld, did not mind, was the gap. She thought she was teaching the value of cleanliness, cooperation, and work. Instead she modeled her own dislike for the very chore she hoped they would embrace. Why did she dislike it so much? It was one of the few jobs her own mother asked her to do. When she didn't come to do the dishes her mother frequently accused her of being lazy. There was a wash of shame to this mundane work. It was loaded with baggage. She had successfully passed on the shame to her own family and had failed to mind the gap.

The story ended well. The mother saw her own weakness and started washing the dishes as a mindful experience. She rebuilt the connection with her own desire for a clean space every morning and her willingness to do the work. Her children noticed and improved. They still to this day talk of the Parable of the Dishes.

Whenever I wanted to throw out the either/or gauntlet as a parent, I knew I was on shaky ground and needed to stop that BS.

Click here to go back to my table of contents to see the other posts.