Losing the State of Normal

  I am in recovery. I can't decide if it is a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength or the action of regaining somethings taken or stolen. Whichever definition is correct I am feeling both. This is week two of surgery recovery and I didn't anticipate that under anesthesia I would lose the ability to read my body.

    I am searching for the unencumbered, physical me behind the rubble of weakness and pain. I had signs of setback yesterday which prompted me to call my surgeon and wake her up to garner advice. She sleepily told me to go back to bed and wait for a few hours. Vulnerability is sitting in her office the next day waiting to be told I had messed up my progress. But, the truth turned out to be less dramatic. I was healing nicely. I just can't read my body through the medication.

  I have been between a rock and a hard place, a fragile spirit trying to buoy up a tired, harmed body. I have a history of exceeding my physical strength. Take the week after delivering my fourth child when I decided to go roller skating. That was me proving that I was invincible.  Now, almost sixty. I see that I am fallible and will need to be okay with that. I guess I always was fallible but just couldn't see what was true all along.

"Calm is a practice. Calm people are breathers. They ask questions like, do I have enough data to freak  out? And will freaking out be helpful?" Brene Brown