Discovering My Creativity

      

"Unused creativity isn’t benign. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.”

Brené Brown

 When I joined the online class based on the book “the Gifts Of Imperfection” by Brené Brown I did not understand the importance of art journaling. I liked buying a little empty journal book and my first set of gouache paints but I didn't get it. As a social research professor collecting data from hundreds of interviews, a group of people emerged from her study who seemed to have more resiliency and internal peace. She labeled them “The Wholehearted”. They had many characteristics in common, one being that they had creative outlets in their life. Brené didn't know what to do with this information. She didn’t get the connection at first, but surrounded herself with artist and writer friends who then helped her put away her pre-conceived notions about making art. In class videos she recounted that in the past she would say condescendingly to others that they could ‘do their little artwork but she had a real job’. What she learned from her art friends was how to use creativity to integrate her emotions. The “whole hearted” group in her research had characteristics that she herself lacked and that is where her her book took root. During this class I felt a desire to become more wholehearted. So, I did my assignments faithfully and a flash of light crossed my view.

                                           I was actually a very creative person. 

In the past I had expectations of perfection that kept me from engaging in a more creative life. If I didn’t write a book that everyone would read, why write? If I painted a picture that no one would see, why paint? The light flash revealed that I was wrong, very wrong.

      How does writing down your story, painting a representation, or making up a song integrate the most beautiful and the most difficult parts of your life? Some time ago, I listened to a podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert, who was interviewing a young woman song writer. She was grieving the loss of her sister to cancer. She told about her fear of writing music again because the loss was so fresh and making music brought up images that were very disturbing. Elizabeth suggested she let the music guide her to what was bubbling up into her heart. Later, in another call, Elizabeth asked how her creative juices were doing. A joyful song had emerged, quite to her surprise. The music had bridged the gap from pain to joy. 

"It is about integrating our memories, emotions, bodily sensations, and behaviors so that we can have mental health. It frees up our ultra rigid thinking and behavior and allows it to be less chaotic.”

Sharie Bowman

The above quote is from my therapist friend, Sharie. She helped me bounce around these ideas so that they stuck to my “inners’. Speaking of Sharie, for more than a decade she has requested that I try a creativity tool called Interplay. This activity combines improvisational play with movement. She confirmed that it has widened her spiritual, emotional, and physical life. I have watched her open up when she dances and sings in these playful group activities. The underlying passion which she always kept in check because she was a rational, intellectual, seems to transport her into a joy that spills over to everyone around her.

Whatever outlet of creativity we have serves to bring us more in tune with the stories in our heads. 

My mental stories have been that I didn’t have enough talent to do the big creative things. But I was equating talent with recognition and validation from the outside world. When I art journaled, the negative stories I carried with me lost some of their potency. As I used paint, lettering, cut out paper pictures I revealed the ideas, sometimes hurtful, in front of me. Some were profound, some entirely ludicrous, some revealed joy that I was afraid to feel. 

Let me share one example.

I was grappling with how to handle uncertainty and vulnerability. In my art journal I wrote uncertainty in white, in the middle of my page, on a dark background of color. Then I painted an inverted triangle above the word ‘uncertainty’, point down seemingly pressing on the word. Another triangle was under the word with it’s point pushing up on the word from beneath. At the tip of both triangles I wrote the words, anxious, dread, shallow breathing, racing thoughts, and tightening heart. Those words described what uncertainty about life felt like inside my body and mind. Then along the higher triangle I wrote, choose to take a walk, meditate, draw or paint, and just move forward. On the lower triangle I wrote, choose to shrink, give up and eat, and run away inside the television. This page in my art journal refocuses my strength. It does the work of integrating my emotions, my memories, my bodily sensations, and my behavior. It brings me back to the wholehearted person I want to become.

I am creative and my creativity encourages me to rewrite my difficult stories and rejoice in the stories of the goodness I have received.

“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness—even our whole-heartedness—actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.” –Brené Brown

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