Overcoming The Fear Of Not Belonging

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

How can we overcome the fear of not belonging? There is always someone wiser, more creative, smarter, more spiritual. Belonging is not acheived by being better than everyone else. That notion requires outside validation. Someone would have to agree that you are wiser and mre creative. Perhaps belonging comes when you increase the space around you. By that I mean, widen the circle of desire to understand. 

Where are your eyes? Jesus admonished to have our eyes single to the glory of God. His glory encompasses a huge and vast space. Looking for His glory will bring understanding. Your neighbor is in His glory. The stranger at the street light is in His glory.  Your estranged daughter is in His glory and his glory is bathing her with light so you can understand and see her. Everything and everyone belongs in His glory. Be not afraid, you belong.

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Belonging Or Fitting In

"Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be, but they don't care one way or the other."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

It seems to be a universal experience in adolescence to want to belong to a certain group and never truly fitting there. You are lucky if you had a group in which you belonged.

Even worse is the feeling that you don't belong in your family.  Perhaps they have priorities you can't get exicted about, or they push you to participate in an activity that you hate. Those tensions can feel like a lack of belonging.

Truly, it is a gift to bless other people with a sense of belonging. Being open hearted, interested, willingly to sacrifice for their good are all traits that people who create belonging. 

Fitting in is a counterfeit of belonging. 
More on belonging tomorrow.

                                      

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Our Wild Heart

"A wild heart is not something you can always see--and yet it is our greatest possession."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

What is a wild heart?

• A wild heart can live out the paradoxes of life

A wild heart can straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle in the world and fighting for justice and peace, while also cultivating its own moments of joy.

• A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish it's own pain
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• A wild heart belongs no where
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• A wild heart belongs everywhere
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The ultimate wild heart belongs to Jesus Christ. He lived the tension between his Jewish tradition and his mission to elevate The Law. He stayed awake to the struggles of all mankind and still found joy in individual relationships. He talked of the pain he endured to atone for the sins of the world, but did not belittle the pain of others. He belonged nowhere, not in the Jewish synagogue and not always with his disciples. He belonged everywhere. In Samaria, eating with Publicans, and healing the sinner. He came from the wilderness, as his cousin John The Baptist. He calls me to the wilderness and asks that I look for my wild heart.

                                      

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Paradox

"The only thing we know for certain is that on this quest into the wilderness we'll need to learn how to navigate the tension of many paradoxes."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

In it's Greek origins, paradox is the joining of two words, para (contrary to) and dokein (opinion). If all life were fair, equal, and same for everyone it would be easier, right? Or is spiritual maturity found in the embracing of opposites? Two opposites cannot be true at the same time, or can they?  

I can't be just and swift to right wrongs and be full of compassion amd mercy? I can't feel so tightly connected that my heart swells and also feel so utterly alone? I can't speak my truth and still listen to the opposite point of view patiently? Or is it true that belonging comes when I can navigate the paradox without losing faith. I have many questions about paradox. I will leave myself space to consider and experiment. 

                                    

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The Vulnerability of Having A Soft Front

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

Staying vulnerable with a soft front is a bit like being at sea. The shore is barely visible and all you care to do is grab hold of a life ring. The need for a strong back often includes an armored up front.

what are the rewards of staying vulnerable?

A soft and open front is not being weak; it's being brave, it's being the wilderness.

Yesterday in a teacher council I revealed to fellow teachers that I was having a difficult time holding my students to rules of behavior. I was teaching eight year olds who all need attention, at once. When they don't get attention they seek to disrupt and we all are held hostage to their behavior. 

   I have too much pride in my ability to teach and I felt like I couldn't see the answer across the water. Talking openly allowerd me to feel my commitment to these children. I heard myself express deep love for them and I realized my efforts were good. I could continue to show them my strong back, rules are necessary, and my soft front, I love you and want you to stay with me. 

Showing vulnerability helps others see you correctly, gives encouragement, and also gives you a glimpse of your own motivation which may stay obscured if you armor up to appear in control. 

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage-everything that bring meaning to out life." 

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Strong Back, Soft Front

"If we are going to make true belonging a daily practice in our lives, we're going to need a strong back and a soft front. We'll need courage and vulnerability as we abandon the certainty and safety of out ideological bunkers and head off into the wilderness."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

It seems easy to accept that a strong back is invaluable in the wilderness. A strong back makes carrying a load of struggle easier. A strong back allows criticism to roll off. My strong back is compromised when I try to prove my worth or when I need to be validated by someone else. Today, on a sabbath, I will go to church to receive a blessing. My prayer today is to allow my Savior to strenghten my back by recognizing that I am yoked to Him and he has infinitely more resources than I ever will. As we trudge forward together I can rely on his strong back and allow the softening of my front. More on a soft front, tomorrow.

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Foreboding Joy

"We try to beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining the worst or by feeling nothing in hopes that "the other shoe" won't drop."

In these 31 Days of October I am unpacking my learning from the book, Braving The Wilderness, by Brené Brown. She has been a favorite author for years. In this new publication she manages to build a sidewalk and curb in the wilderness where we can bravely tread.

The concept of foreboding joy was first introduced to me in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Yes, another great book by the author I'm currently reviewing. 

She described how we dampen down joy to prepare for the worst to come next.

Just last night I was rehearsing tragedy at the same time I was excited to get my car back from the repair shop. What if he couldn't really fix that loud tapping sound from the engine? What if he has to work for more than five hours and we can't get it back today? What if he finds more problems than expected? These worries, possible.but not real, take the potency away from the joy of having wheels back after two weeks.

   Brené gives an antidote to foreboding joy. It is gratitude practice. Every time I remember this I am struck by a momentary confusion. How does gratitude change things? Then I remember that gratitude is a mindset in "now". Thinking about what we are grateful for sets us on course to see the good in our lives at the present moment. Even if you are grateful for what happened in the past, the feeling of gratefulness is in your body today. It works. 

     

"Both joy and pain are vulnerable experiences to feel on our own and even more with strangers"

    

     So, let's hold hands when we go into the wilderness, and perhaps go in twos, even if it is just you and your own sense of belonging.

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