Mindful Monday- Listening Without An Agenda

"Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgement-and for a few moments at least, existing for the other person."

Michael P. Nichols, PhD "The Lost Art Of Listening"

   Isn't it hard to listen well. Suspending memory, desire and judgement seems almost herculean. I believe if I had a more disciplined mind I would be more able to focus and really listen. My acupuncturist likes my yearly mindfulness plan and when I mentioned that the month of May was all about listening she gave me some sage advise.

She assured me that it is part of being human to listen with an ear for how the conversation affects us. What is in this conversation for me? Why not use that tendency and tweak the motivation to assert that this conversation has something important for me to hear and listen for that information. The speaker becomes important to us and our attention moves more genuinely to the speaker.

"When listening is genuine, the emphasis is on the speaker, not the listener."

As a teacher I observed that it took almost two years before my attention shifted from my own lesson plan to the student's comments and concerns. I still remember one evening, while processing my teaching day, recalling almost all the comments of my student. Previously I recalled only my own teaching moments. It is an act of faith to suspend the teaching plan and really listen to a comment and then move to respond in an appropriate direction even if that means leaving the plan temporarily. 

"However it's phrased, a good listener's response makes you feel understood and invites you to say more."

Are you aware of people who make it easy to talk to them? They seem to have a genuine curiosity and seem to ask follow-up questions. Here are some samples. 

"Gee, you have a headache? When did it start?"

"Can't decide what to wear? What were thinking of wearing?"

"You hate your staff meetings? What are they like?"

" What's been going on that makes you feel you do twice the work?"

This month I would like to pay closer attention to my conversations, especially with my grandchildren. They speak quickly and softly and I work to catch the full meaning of their words. The payoff is that I know more about their life and can be influential in certain situations. My husband's long, long, explanations of his projects can be tedious but I will try to catch the main ideas because I love seeing his eyes light up with delight when a job works out. 


May is a month to explore listening. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

Join me in a wonderful class on self-compassion taught by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff, 
Starts May 16, click here for more information.

Fear Of Missing Out

                 I don't want to go but, I don't want to stay

       Do you know that feeling? The door is wide open but you are sure you don't want to go. Yet, if you don't go, will everyone else be having more fun than you? The mental anguish is maddening. Nothing seems satisfactory. You feel like a loser no matter what you do. That is FOMO, Fear Of Missing Out. It affects the young and the old alike. It comes from having too many options. Or, maybe it comes from having no options. I don't really know. All I know is that it stinks. 

    It makes me check Facebook to see if anyone is doing something special. It makes me wonder if my ordinary life could possibly be fulfilling. I should turn FOMO upside down and come to the realization that there is Fear Of More Options. When I moved to an Island I couldn't believe that there were only two grocery stores. I went to the mainland every week to shop the specials. But my budget showed my mistaken thinking. I was spending more "saving money" than just shopping at the slightly more expensive local store. More options doesn't mean happiness.

Contentment is having enough even when others have more.

  I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Mindful Monday- Listening To Birds

Mindful Monday- Listening


"Now, while the birds thus sing a joyous song,

  and while the young lambs bound,

   as to the tabor's sound....

No more shall grief of mine the seasons wrong...

                  William Wordsworth, Intimations Of Immortality

   Closing my eyes, I make my way up the stairs to the office. I like trusting my body's memory when I climb. In the dark of early morning I search for the match box and light the candle. Light flickers around the still room. Carefully I push the window open, just a little. The world is still quiet at 4:45 am. Today I am meditating on bird songs. I completely relax and allow my ears to ready themselves for the eventual "dawn chorus". First the sound is far away and then a young dapper robin opens with gusto. He announces that he has survived the night and is by far the most able, handsome, musical fellow anywhere. He has some competition but each time he rises in a more fevered pitch. 

  I meditate on the most divine bed, legs curled up under me in wide-legged position. This month I am listening better, more often, and with more attention. A bee strolls in the open window and catches my ears. Before I have to move to escort him out he quickly escapes.  


I'm learning.

  My three keys to a peaceful life are emerging as, meditation, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

"And so we, like the poet, can begin to perceive that our everyday mind is a small fallible part of our awareness. We can become aware of a presence that essential you but at the same time inconceivably greater than you. This is the great consolation of feeling that we are part of divinity."

                                                                 M. Catherine Thomas

May is a month to explore listening. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

Join me in a wonderful class on self-compassion taught by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff, 
Starts May 16, click here for more information.

   

Pass

I'll give you a pass but you must figure out how to learn from it.

   I love the zoo near my home. I provide a yearly pass to my grandchildren. It allows three families free access anytime they want to go. For some of my grandchildren a trip happens once a year but others go every week. The animals are always the same. Those that go once a year feel like they see everything and truly enjoy the day with amazing, exotic creatures. The family that goes every week learns details missed by the less frequent visitors. They learn about animal habits, how the seasons affect behavior, who the trainers are, and how the babies grow from week to week.

  I feel that way about my life. I have a free pass. Days pass one by one and I choose whether I learn and grow or whether I let time go by, unconsciously. I'd like to know my fellow travelers. What they do, how they think, and how they respond to this amazing mortal life, really interests me. 

My pass will expire some time soon. I hope to be alive every day.

  I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Mindful Monday- Great Expectations

 
 Self-compassion
The expectations kill me. 

                           

    Yesterday we attended our grandson's baptism. As I arrived I noticed gifts on a table and on people's chairs. Gasp! Was I expected to provide another gift? I felt the pressure and immediately afterward the resistance. My boy had already been gifted and even though I knew it, I felt that I should look like a generous grandmother. What are the rules of proper grandmothering? Am I doing a good enough job? If there were rules would I still feel resistance to keeping all THE RULES?
    My mother sent her grandchildren a card and money year after year. Then one year she forgot my daughter. She was getting older and well, it slipped her mind. I feel badly that we remember her slip up more than we remember the years of sweet cards signed in her broken English.
   I choose to be kind to myself and believe that I am doing the best that I can. I gifted a perfect present to my grandson and we had time together to enjoy it. Giving another one at his event would not provide a nurturing experience; it would only satisfy my need to have other's approval.
   The key learnings from this month of self-compassion are:

1. I make mistakes. I disappoint. 
2. I am a generous person and try to meet the needs I see around me.
3. I would like to believe that people are doing the best they can with what they have.
4. If I believe others are doing the best they can then I can except that I am doing the best that I can with what I have.

               If you want to learn more about self-compassion Kristen Neff has a wonderful website.

April was a month to explore self-compassion. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

   

Unity

  You can walk smoothly together only if you synchronize your steps. If your brother has a long stride you may have to do two or more steps to keep up. But, once you find the number of extra steps to take, the rough becomes smooth and a unity is discovered.  

 My brothers were all twelve years old and older. It felt like being raised alone. These brothers, two of which have passed away, were bright, adventuresome, and super hard working. I admired them but felt unconnected. When I hit thirty they started to change their perspective of me as a little sister. 

    My last surviving brother and I spent some days together this week. Our relationship seemed to have a unity which satisfied my "little sister" feelings. We worked on a piano teaching broadcast together, we talked for hours, we sang together and found a new song that strengthened our spirit, and I found in his nature a gentle vulnerability which  I had never fully appreciated. 

    Because of his age we were out of step for much of our life. On this visit we found a sychroncity which made it possible to understand one another.

  I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Writing For Others

                    "We are wired for telling stories."

  
   There are writers out there in Blog Land who draw me in and hold me captive. They speak with a voice that rings true and clear. Helen is such a writer. I met her while writing with the Five Minute Friday crowd. She has a Wednesday series on Contentment. I was a guest contributor yesterday. Check out I Will Bloom.