Haven

    A haven where I come to quiet my mind quiet and where I reach out to feel the presence of God.

    Each morning I climb the steps to my office before dawn. It is getting harder as the sun is almost winning the race. I sit before a beautiful view out over the forest . The awaited sound is the dawnsong of the birds. They still my ragged breathing and with each breath I go inside to wait.

The Dawnsong by Gabriele Burgess

   I wait to feel the presence of God within me because I believe he wishes to abide in me and I, in him. My thinking mind wants to wander over the stories of today and of yesterday but I bring the endless chatter back to my breath. Most times, I will be truthful, my mind wins. But, I continue to come and wait. Because, I have felt him and He is a haven worth waiting for.


I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

                                                     

Mindful Monday- Listening To My Ancestors

Remembering The Soldiers Whose Lives Were Forever Altered By The Threat of Combat

   Today is Memorial Day and I have stopped to listen to my ancestors. I looked through old photograph albums to find our soldiers. The first was August Lindner, my great- grandfather, who must have been in the Prussian army. I don't know much of his story but I suspect he was very proper as he taught my grandmother to be. He had 10 children, eight of them were girls.

August Friedrich Lindner (1841-1921)

Walter Paul Betterman (1912-1996)

  
This is my uncle Walter. He came to America twice to visit and I found him to be a very practical, logical man. He left a personal history and I loved this paragraph describing the feelings he had being finally released as a prisoner after WW2.

"On a Saturday afternoon I arrived, seeing the Hirschberg valley before me with the Polish Eagle on top of the City building. I will never forget this view, even having the the Riesenggebirge panorama in the background. On this Saturday I crossed paths with my youngest sister Marta, and on the same evening my mother and sister Hanna, and early Sunday morning I was with my wife and children. As no-one knew whether I was alive or dead, the surprise was impactful. Ulrich played in front of the house. He was four and a-half and knew who I was immediately."

Erich Titze (1915-1939)

My uncle Erich lasted only one day, dying in Poland the day after he arrived there. I met his grandson two years ago and thought how he would have loved knowing his progeny.

Kurt Titze (1911-1977)

My father left a journal which gives much more detailed information about his war experiences. When I read his words I can hear his voice and I remember how he wanted me to understand. He wasn't just trying to be honest but he wanted us to understand how he viewed his life.

    "As we approached the battle front we were shot at with MG's. Many soldiers left the train to fight but we went deeper into the Russian woods until we were only 50 miles outside of Moscow. We saw the tops of the tanks which were lined up along then streets of Moscow.

    The assault on Moscow failed and the German soldiers had to retreat into the winter landscape. Many had frostbite and some froze to death. Then we marched two days and two nights up along the road. We saw suffering and malnutrition. The front came closer as we marched. Sometimes we had to lie in the snow lie sardines on bales of straw. If you asked how we endured I would say you become like an animal. The greatest joy is eating and resting even if it is in the mud. There was nothing that warmed the heart more than obtaining food. We saw patriots who were hanged from trees. 

    We found an old hut by a farmhouse and started a small fire inside for warmth. The walls were covered with newspaper clippings to keep out the light. These small fires would give us a little light to read or to search for lice or fleas. We had to leave because the hut burned to the ground. 

   Lying along the roadway would be Russian women and their naked children. The German soldiers took the bread crumbs away from these starving Russians. Horseflesh was a delicacy. We cut trees and built bunkers. Once two children walked out from the front line. A ten-year old had a gun shot wound. The other child, a 14 year-old girl, was being dragged by her pig-tails because these children were thought to be spies.

     The weather was often wonderful sunshine and sometimes the front was quiet. Disease spread everywhere and I was overcome. I began to retain water and my skin was swollen as if it would pop. The water retention went away but I was not healthy for six months. Some comrades died. 

     The greatest joy of my life came when I was shipped home to recover in a hospital back in my homeland. I was finally back in civilization where I could sleep between sheets,have light to see, and someone waiting upon me. Soldiers live in such filth day in and day out.  Month after month we patrolled the front line and became hardened to our condition. But my situation changed. For two weeks I lay in a hospital in a fortification in Konigsburg."

  This is where my mind wanders today as I learn to listen. I'm trying to stay mindful of what my ancestors wanted to leave behind for my benefit. 


May is a month to explore listening. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

Cheer

                                  Be of Good Cheer

    I find those words in many places in scripture. The context is usually that the world is a difficult place but we have not been forgotten and help is all around us. I do find solace in these words. But I feel there is a reaching needed to trust them. I suspect the presence of the Savior is not up high but still I feel a need to reach to feel him. Reaching puts me in readiness to receive. The support I need will not just fall on me. Arms outstretched shows I am acting. I am acting in faith that I can be of good cheer because he has not forgotten me.

  And now behold, the Lord remembereth all them who have been broken off, wherefore he remembereth us also. Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves--to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

                      2 Nephi 10:22-23

I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Mindful Monday- Listening To Music

                        Mindful Monday- Listening


                     "Music is What Feelings Sound Like"
  This past week music has risen in my mindfulness experiences. Music is a constant in my life as I teach piano everyday. It is imperative that I listen carefully to understand what my students are trying to express and for me to diagnosis issues to improve their playing. Often I find myself listening with even more intention. An opera was on our week's activities. My husband is a fan of Amanda Forsythe who happened to be singing at the University. I listened so intently at the quality of their superb voices, at the french lyrics, and at the orchestral sounds coming from the pit. All of it was amazing and lovely, but I found my mind getting restless. Used to making up stories, my mind needed some help and so I turned to my meditation skills. Breathing was very helpful. Soon I could fully engage back into the music.
    Here are some ideas to make listening to music more enjoyable.

1. Listen to music as foreground 
2. Notice how music makes your body feel
3. Listen to an entire album, instead of a playlist of many different types of music. 
4. Be aware of dynamic changes and the emotions coming through the pieces.

  Below is a video of Emil Gilels playing Bach Prelude in B minor, arranged by Siloti in the 1800's. I am currently learning to play this piece. It requires intense listening. The second time through something magical happens. Gilels emphasizes the accented notes differently and an intensity comes through which makes my heart resonate to the emotions coming from the performer who is in such complete command of his instrument. 

                                

     As I am playing this piece everyday I hear it in my mind as an ear worm. It colors my day. You could say it has become a soundtrack to the week. The tension and release of these phrases feel familiar to daily life. You might think this piece is melancholy but I find it affirming. It reassures me that discomfort is replaced with calm and in the end peace comes. The last chord is a major chord which sets all things right.

 

"Spiritual evolution is the automatic consequence of watching the mind..The reason for mindfulness is to bring one into the present moment and learn to stay there so that one can allow the Divine Presence to manifest itself through us in each moment. That presence is activated by our continual awareness and intention to let it be manifested in each action."

                                                           David R. Hawkins

May is a month to explore listening. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

Expect To Lose

                   Fourteen Youth and Seven Adults

   This morning my granddaughter and I attended a youth scripture chase activity. It happens once at the end of the school year of high schoolers going to an early morning religion class. During that time they learn, understand , and apply 25 scriptures which highlight gospel teaching. This year was an Old Testament year. 

   I encouraged seven friends, some who have children in seminary, to give the teenagers some extra enthusiastic fun by competing against them. We had four months to learn the scriptures, practice finding them in our bibles, and understand their true meaning.

   It was hard. I expected to be royally beaten. But, my granddaughter told me she didn't think very many youth were prepared. I started feeling over confident. We chased with different categories. Key words, associating objects with a scriptures, matching principles, arranging words into correct order, all different ways of chasing into the book and finding the right reference on the written page. We started off slow and the kids jumped ahead. My team scrambled to turn thin, onion skin pages to the right place. Finally we scored as we sorted Jeremiah 1:3 into correct order. Nevertheless, the daily practice of study gave our opponents the edge. They knew their verses better and as expected, they won. 
  This is such a great activity. It is a joy to see youth fully engaged in the word of God and cooperating to bring everyone to the same place.

                                    Everyone Wins

I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Mindful Monday- Listening To The Experts Talk About Mindfulness

           Reading and Listening to The Wisdom of Others is the First Step

   Mindfulness is finding a home in so many diverse places. Christian contemplative prayer, Buddhist traditional teachings, secular work to strengthen the ability for happiness, even football teams are hiring mindfulness coaches to improve player's inner life.There are so many voices with positive testimonies of the effects mindfulness has on our minds. I am sorting ideas, writing down quotes, and sifting through concepts. My study is still mostly in my head.

   Dr. Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist and meditation teacher 

"Being mindful simply means having good control over your attention: you can place your attention wherever you want and it stays there; when you want to shift it to something else, you can.

  When your attention is steady, so is your mind; not rattled or hijacked by whatever pops into awareness, but stably present, grounded, and unshakable. Attention is like a spotlight, and what it illuminates streams into your mind and shapes your brain. Consequently, developing greater control over your attention is perhaps the single most powerful way to reshape your brain and thus your mind."

                             Moving the ideas to my heart is step two.

   It takes time for ideas to crack open my heart. I find that I need to prove to myself that I am fully committed. I want to trust that being mindful is not just a fad in my life. That is why I like my meditation app on my phone. To see that I have been in meditation practice for 12 hours since March is powerful to me. You see, I started with five minutes a day and that was difficult. 
  So, I'm listening to what my heart is saying about my new practice.  

When the heart is settled, the learning moves into the bones.

I see glimpses that this may be a lifelong practice. When I climb the stairs each morning to my little office space, light the candle, and settle in, I enjoy it.  Going up is a desire. My body is responding to the wonderful attention of being present. Listening to my body tell me that it needs shifting, or it needs a longer breath, or it needs to let go completely, is very satisfying. 
There are many expects, whose words enrich and enliven my practice but no expert is as instructive as my heart and body. They like mindfulness and I choose to go forward. 

May is a month to explore listening. You can read more about my Year of Mindfulness here.

Join me in a wonderful class on self-compassion taught by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff, 

Starts May 16, click here for more information.

Grow In Trust

When we talk of trusting God, is it a fearful thing because we don't trust ourselves?

How might we grow to trust ourselves more?

  The "Anatomy of Trust" is a free online class which unpacks trust into smaller bites. If I were to place a marble inside a jar for every action that shows trust in myself how full would the jar become?  Here are seven ways we can grow in trust.

1. Boundaries that are reasonable to follow
2. Reliability in the commitments I make
3. Accountability for my mistakes and successes
4. Vault like integrity for things that should not be shared
5. Integrity to live by my values
6. Non-judgement of myself when I fall
7. Generosity towards myself and kindness towards others

   I believe I see growth in my reliability towards myself and the accountability I feel to my own decisions. It is almost three years of going to the gym three times a week. Years of choosing consistent writing and making art. I've learned to put off the temptation to use informations about others to promote intimacy. I can catch myself and turn my mean spirited self-talk to more compassionate conversation. I feel like I'm growing. There are more marbles in my jar. With that growth I can turn to my Heavenly Father and trust that I can keep his commandments better. I want Him to trust me.

 I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.