Friday, January 4, 2019

My Three Little Words For 2019

                    Sometimes I Hold Back


It can be that I'm tired, afraid, feeling too vulnerable. pretending to be committed, not really present in the moment, all these things might keep me from putting heart, mind, and soul into my endeavor or relationship.


These words invite me to watch where I'm holding back and they invite me to try a new approach. Each month I will look at a symptom of the malady of holding back and each Monday I will record my thoughts here on my blog to see where this journey has taken me. 

January- Be Where You Are While You Are Here


February - Feel The Bads and the Goods



This is an index page to my monthly and weekly thoughts.



Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Chapter Seven The Gymnopedist



Satie spent most of his time in Paris, walking to and from the city each day, stopping en route to take coffee and aperitifs and jotting musical ideas in the small sketchbooks he carried folded in his breast pocket .
Mary E. Davis 
Erik Satie; Critical Lives




Mrs. Hanson introduced Miguel not only to music but to how musicians lived. She gave him a little, black  book where he could write his musical ideas and told him how many composers received their ideas while walking. Miguel thought that walking a wire was a superb place to get a musical thought. That was why he always had his phone playing music while he rehearsed above the ground. 


Reggie had met Angelika Hanson, Stevie’s mother, during another homicide case when she turned out to be a victim of a burglary. An elegant woman in her sixties with stylish short, silver hair, Angelika was a concert pianist and also a teacher. It made Reggie a little nervous to talk to her because he knew so little about music and the world Angelika traveled in, was foreign to him. He was now on his way to Stevie’s home to talk to Angelika about Miguel Cervantes and Jorge Gonzales. He was curious about what she might know concerning  these boys. How much would a piano teacher know about a teenage boy’s life outside of lessons?
The yard around Stevie’s house was ablaze with color on this summer evening. Roses dressed in bright orange, coral, and red clamored up the trellis along the side of the house. The scent of this beauty rested on the air and mixed with the warm smell of moss. Reggie always noticed these kinds of things because it was such a contrast to his  apartment building in the city. Concrete and escapee weeds, which burst through cracks in the rock around his building, limited his exposure to nature.
“My mother isn’t home yet. Let’s go to the backyard.” Stevie led the way along the side of the house as Reggie dodged a few stray vines. The temperature felt to him to be still in the seventies.
“I am anxious to open up the windows to let a breeze through the house. I’ll be right back.” Stevie said.
 The garden furniture, soft and comfortable, was plastic and Reggie knew his shirt would soon be sticking to the back rest. He pulled over a footstool and propped up his feet. Closing his eyes, he thought about the odd assignment they had been given. They were investigating a strange death, in a small town, where they were not welcome. Reggie couldn’t really buy the motive that Jorge Gonzales jimmy rigged his friend’s equipment so that he would plunge to his death because he was part of a rival gang. He didn’t feel any aggression from this young boy. 
Reggie looked over at the house and through the window watched Stevie walk around inside the kitchen. She stopped and gathered up her long hair. He noticed her slender neck as she put it in a pony tail. He could almost smell the light citrus scent that would come from her hair. 
The crunch of gravel brought his attention to Angelika walking onto the patio from around the side of the house. She stopped and looked at Reggie, and then looked beyond him to her daughter in the kitchen window. Did she know he was gawking at Stevie? He sat up and took his feet off the footrest. 
“Hello. Are you stopping by for dinner?” Angelika smiled.
Reggie jumped up and awkwardly extended his hand. 
“Good evening, Mrs. Hanson. No,….we actually came to talk to you.”
“To me? About what?” she asked as set a basket full of books onto the table. 
 “Ah…I think Stevie would like to start this conversation.” Reggie tried to seem overly happy so that she would not anticipate the bad news of Miguel’s death. 
At that point Stevie appeared with a pitcher and glasses on a tray. The tray seemed heavy and Reggie stood to take it from her and set it on the table. Stevie embraced her mother and they all sat down. 
“Let me pour you something cold?” Angelika said.
 “Mom, Rosa didn’t come to clean the house today.” Reggie noticed that Stevie was shifting in her seat so that she was facing her mother.
“How do you know she didn’t come?” Angelika looked alarmed and Reggie thought back at the visit they had with Miguel’s mother. What kind of relationship did Angelika have with her housekeeper?
“Because, ….we were with her today when we had to give her the news that Miguel, her son, fell while walking on a wire that he and his friend attached to the bell towers in Highland Park. He did not survive the fall.” Stevie looked to Reggie to be both relieved and agonizing about how her mother would respond. She must have been carrying the burden of making this announcement all day.
“What? Miguel? How did he fall?” Angelika asked.
“The wire was weak and it collapsed.” Reggie wanted to reach out and push back the veil of long, dark hair that was hiding Stevie’s face from his view. “I didn’t know until today that you were teaching Rosa’s son.”
“Well, it wasn’t a secret.” Angelika looked down into her lap and Reggie saw her clutch the folds of her skirt with her hands. “Some years ago Rosa mentioned that a family had abandoned their piano when they moved. She managed to get it moved into her house. I helped her find someone to tune it and make minor repairs.” 
Reggie wondered how Rosa could afford piano repairs and why it would be would  important to her to even have an instrument in the first place.
“I can’t believe this is true. He was just here having a lesson this week.” Angelika took Stevie’s hands and looked into her eyes with sorrow. Reggie looked away from this open show of grief. It made him uncomfortable. 
“Stevie, he was really good at the piano. There was a natural talent that made it easy for him to learn and he loved music. He really loved music.” Angelika brought Stevie’s hands up to her heart and wept.
Reggie looked over at Stevie and couldn’t help feeling moved by the sorrow he saw between mother and daughter. Tragedy was not foreign to these women as they lost their husband and father, in years past. To Reggie, Stevie’s compassion was both admirable and a little unnerving. He appreciated the love she had for her mother and  saw her compassion bestowed on his own father, Harold Watts, when she came to play the piano at the care home where Harold lived after his stroke. But, Reggie pushed away too much compassion as a hindrance to his investigations.
“Mom, can you tell me what you know about Miguel Cervantes? What was he like and what do you think motivated him to learn music?” Stevie asked. She gently dried some tears off Angelika’s face with the back of her own hand. 
“What I know about Miguel came from listening to him play the piano and answering the questions he had about music.” Angelika said.
“How long have you been teaching him?” Stevie asked. 
A fresh breeze cooled the garden as the evening chatter of birds died down. The leaves rustled, sounding like gossiping whispers to Reggie as he relaxed into the story Angelika was telling them.
“I started three or so years ago. He came to lessons on the city bus, after school. For him it was a commitment of two and one-half hours travel, including the lesson time. For me it was a commitment of opening my home to an after work student. Really quickly, I realized that he was feeding me with his enthusiasm and work ethic. You said you talked to Rosa? Oh Stevie, she must be heart broken. Miguel was one child who was choosing a different way to live.” Angelika continued to strongly press Stevie’s hands against her heart. Reggie could see the effort of extending her hands was difficult for Stevie.
“What way of life are you referring to, Mrs. Hanson? How did her other children choose to live differently?” Reggie asked. Hearing Reggie speak made Angelika turn and release Stevie’s hands.
“She told me some years ago that she suspected Pablo had joined a gang. His father was killed in a gang shooting and she was frightened that he was following in his footsteps. Wait…., do you think Pablo’s death was gang related?” Angelika shook her head quickly back and forth. “No, not Miguel. I think I would have sensed if he was spending time with that kind of negativity.”
“But he was only with you an hour a week.” Reggie said
“No, you don’t understand. In that hour we didn’t just learn music, we talked of how to best manage our lives, to allow beauty and truth to come through us. We read biographies of composers, looking for secrets to their creativity. There would have been clues to his duplicity if he was also running with a gang.” Angelika said.
 Reggie was skeptical of her knowledge.
“Pardon me for pointing this out, but he was living a duplicitous life already. He was hiding his wire walking from his mother and brothers.” Reggie picked up his glass of lemonade and drained in in two gulps. 
A moment of silence made Reggie feel he had stepped out of line, countering Angelika’s analysis.
“Mother, did he talk to you about his passion with wire-walking?” Stevie asked.
Angelika clasped her hands together and interlaced her fingers, holding them over her mouth, just under her nose.
“Yes, he talked about his years of gymnastic classes. It was about the time he started walking higher installations that he discovered the composer Erik Satie.”
Who was Erik Satie? Reggie had never heard of him him before.
“This composer’s eccentric view on life fascinated Miguel. He read a few biographies and talked to me about his rejection of the musical world he lived in. Miguel thought himself like Satie, in that he rejected the world of his brothers.” 
“So you are saying that Miguel talked to you about his brother’s gang involvement?” Reggie became more alert as he waited for Angelika to explain.
“No.” 
Reggie was not surprised. Why would a kid talk to his teacher about being in a gang?
“He never once told me that his brothers were in a gang but he did tell me that he felt very different from his brothers. They were aggressive and controlling. He wanted something else. His desire was to embrace music and movement as a way of life. That  was taking him in a direction very different from his brother’s activities. I just put two and two together, knowing about his father’s death and what his brother’s might be doing. ” Angelika stood and slowly made her way into the house.
Reggie watched her go up the shallow wooden stairs and then he turned to Stevie. 
“Did I offend your mother?” he asked.
“No, not really. Reggie, she is saddened with this news about Miguel. I’m sure she is having a difficult time lining up her history with Miguel and with the facts of our investigation.” 
“Maybe I should go. It’s too late to go back to the station. Shall I pick you up tomorrow morning on the way to Highland Park?” 
“Yes.” Stevie stood and came around the table to stand before Reggie. She took his hand and squeezed it gently. “Thank you for being considerate with my mother.” 
Reggie stood with his hand still in Stevie’s grasp and couldn’t think what to do next. She released it suddenly and cleared her throat. 
“Let me walk you to your car.” 
“No, please, go spend some time with your Mom. I can see myself out.”
Reggie turned and walked along the pavers, set into perfect sized steps along the side of the house. He could feel that Steve was watching him and for the life of him he could not figure out what she might be thinking.



Friday, December 21, 2018

With

With Wondering Awe



I can't believe it was 21 days ago that we started this month of expectations and celebrations. This has been a month of some sadnesses. Nothing life changing. Nonetheless, I have cried a bit that I couldn't make Christmas magical enough for those I love. I am under the delusion that what I do makes a big difference. So, with wondering awe I am brought to my knees, again, to realize that the only being who makes a monumental difference is Jesus Christ.

If I haven't pointed my friends and family towards him then I've really missed the Christmas magic entirely. 


My paper whites are about to bloom and I'm anticipating their fragrance. My love for my Savior is blooming on this dark winter day, the shortest day of the year with the promise of more daylight ahead, everyday.


Friday, December 14, 2018

Still


Creativity brings a stillness to your soul

When the season becomes hectic bring beauty to the table 




I'm not talking about the dinner table, I'm talking about about a creativity board to enliven your senses.



Bring in some things from outside like the blooms off my winter Rhododendron bush, a sprig of holly, some acorns, a cone, and withering foliage from another bush.


Add some color and your favorite word.



  Lastly, bring in some stripes and a succulent with terrific texture and voila, you have a gathering to delight the senses. Today is the 14th of December and very soon the days will start getting longer. 

A creativity board always bring stillness.


I should give credit to Philippa Stanton of Brighton England who inspires me to be consciously creative everyday.


Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Chapter Six- The Gymnopédist



Chapter Six

With musicians, things are different……they are often attracted to absurdity.
                                                                                         Erik Satie

When Eric Satie made a break with the conventional way of writing music by eliminating the time signature and bar lines, his father, also a musician, was aghast. Miguel admired the decision of this eccentric composer to go against the norm. He was also striking out in ways that his family didn’t approve of.  The third Gnossienne had instructions written above the score which made Miguel smile. “…in a manner to achieve nothing…”
That was a manner he brought to walking the wire. He moved with conviction to achieve nothing.


   They found Jorge in a room at the Juvenile Detention Center. The attendant motioned for them to sit in the common area outside the Jorge’s room. The round fake wood veneer table were attached to black plastic stools. Reggie sat down uncomfortably on one of the stools, looking around at the two story hallway. Brightly painted cell doors attempted to make the institution look like a happy place. 
   Jorge emerged from one of the rooms on the ground floor, looking from left to right. His eyes seemed wide, almost as if he were staring into headlights. It was Stevie who stood and walked over to him, extending her hand.
  “I am Detective Dangerfield, Jorge. We talked earlier, do you remember?” She asked.
  Reggie saw Jorge look at Stevie’s hand and did not offer his own. 
  “I remember, Detective. What is going to happen to me?” 
   Stevie motioned for them to join Reggie and they sat together for a few minutes in awkward silence. Jorge’s deep brown eyes looked like a dog Reggie once owned. He would put his head on Reggie’s lap and stare up, longingly.
   “Your parents should be coming and you will be assigned an attorney. Can we ask you a few more questions? You don’t have to talk to us but we would appreciate understanding what happened more clearly this morning. ” Reggie took the lead wanting to extract the necessary facts before the boy was told to shut up by an attorney.
    “I have been answering questions for hours.” Jorge  pushed his hair to the side and rubbed his forehead. “If Miguel had worn his Satie Suit this would not have happened. It was his lucky outfit.”
   “What do you mean? What is a Satie Suit?” Reggie wondered if this was part of the paraphernalia of wire walking. 
    “Erik Satie is a music composer.” Stevie smiled at Reggie and then turned to Jorge.    
     “Did he copy an outfit worn by Satie?” Stevie asked.
    “He said it was like something Satie would wear. He picked it up at Goodwill. It was a tan, satin coat with a fancy stand up collar and deep pockets.” Jorge rubbed his neck as if to indicate where the collar would fit. “It reminded me of a magicians outfit. He wore it with sweatpants whenever we did a new installation.”
  “Why didn’t he have it on today?” Stevie asked.
  “I’m not sure. It was really hot this morning even though it was early.” Jorge’s voice broke and a large sigh escaped his throat.
   Reggie shifted on the stool. The plastic was not very wide and he felt it cut into his sit bones.
   “Jorge, the detectives feel that Miguel’s fall had to do with your family retaliating over something the Cervantes gang did to your brothers. Is that true?” Reggie asked.
   Jorge stood up and circled around the eating area. He came back and muttered under his breath.
   “Miguel and I had nothing to do with gangs.”
    “But both of your brothers are in rival gangs, right? They are in conflict with each other all the time.” Reggie saw the agitation in Jorge’s body.
    “I don’t know what my brother’s are doing. Miguel didn’t want anything to do with the gangs either.” Jorge turned towards Stevie repeating emphatically.
    “I don’t have anything to do with gangs.” 
     “Did your brothers know what you were doing today?” Stevie asked keeping her voice barely above a whisper, aware that the surveillance video would be watched later by Detective Mullins.
   “I went to Miguel’s last night with my brother’s truck. I told my brother I needed to pick up some stuff at the Boy’s Club. He lets me haul equipment sometimes. We packed up our gear and this morning I picked up Miguel before anyone was awake at my house. I doubt any of our brothers knew what we were doing.” Jorge turned his back on Reggie and stretched out his arms to touch his knees. 
   “Where did you and Miguel first meet?” Reggie asked.
   “The Boys Club in Highland Park had activities and we met up there. Both of us liked acrobatics and Alex said that we were good at the balance beam and parallel bars.”    
   Jorge swiveled around to face them again.
  “That’s what we cared about.”
   Stevie lightly touched Jorge’s shoulder with her hand. 
   “Who is Alex?”
    “Alex Douglas is a volunteer at the Boys Club. He was a gymnast years ago and even went to the Olympics. I mean he tried out to get on the gymnastics team but didn’t actually make it.”
   “And he introduced you and Miguel to wire-walking?” Reggie noticed Jorge shake his head ever so slightly.
    “He didn’t? How did you start walking the wire?” Reggie pressed for more information.
    “Alex brought us to a park one day and he had a friend who set up an A-frame with a slack line. We started a few feet off the ground and over time we walked up higher and higher.” Jorge swiveled the stool back and forth.
    “So, who was this other person in the park?” Reggie asked.
    “His name was George. He came to the club twice a month.” Jorge crossed his arms and rubbed his elbows.
    “Who came up with the idea to walk between the towers?” Reggie asked.
    “It was Miguel. We both liked the old bell towers and often climbed up to look out at the town. It was way too high for me. I would have freaked out walking across that wire……” Jorge choked up and tears started down his face. He brushed them away with the back of his hand.
    “And, how did the two of you have access to the right equipment to attempt a walk like this?” Reggie asked. He was baffled how two teenage boys had the expertise and wherewithal to make this happen. 
   “Well….George was a good teacher and provided all the equipment to the club. Alex was busy and basically gave the interested kids over to us to teach. That meant we had to set up the slack lines in the gym and sometimes in the park. George was there when we went to the park. But, we brought all the equipment in my brother’s truck. So we had access to hemp ropes, wire, fasteners, ….everything.”
    “Is this a part-time gig or have you been doing this all summer?” Reggie asked.
    “It’s a summer job and we get paid to help with the classes. We earn more than we could anywhere else.”  
     “More than selling drugs with your brother’s gang?” Reggie asked, not really believing that he had no knowledge of his brother’s activities.
   Jorge dropped his head and was silent for several minutes. Reggie caught the glare from Stevie over the top of Jorge’s head. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders.
    Jorge turned and looked intently at Stevie. “Are you her daughter?” He asked. 
    Stevie was surprised by this off hand question. 
    “Who’s daughter?” She asked.
    “The piano teacher, Mrs. Hanson.” Jorge looked over at Reggie and Reggie looked back at Stevie. “You know,…she taught Miguel piano at your house.” 
    “You came to my house?” 
     Stevie looked at Jorge and he answered defensively.
    “Yeah, I came a few times and listened. Your mother didn’t have anything against two hispanic kids coming over to her house.” Reggie saw the defensiveness in Jorge’s face. “She was proud of Miguel. I was amazed how good he could play.”
    “I am not surprised that my mother taught Miguel but I am surprised you connected me to her.”
   “You look like her.” Jorge grinned and added quietly, “She told us you were a detective.”
   “My mother really admires Rosa, Miguel’s mother. She has worked for us for years.” Stevie said.
    Reggie heard voices from the other end of the facility. He wanted to know a little more about Alex Douglas before they got interrupted.
    “Where can we find Alex?” Reggie asked. 
     Jorge turned towards him and answered. “You can always find him after school at the Boy’s club. That is when most of the classes happen.”
     A bell sounded and Jorge jumped up. Reggie could see he was frightened. 
    “I want to go back to my room.” He walked down the short flight of stairs towards the security guard. He never looked back.

              Chapter Seven
    

Friday, November 23, 2018

Value

What activities have the most value today?

I had to ask myself that question today as I hosted my son's family for Thanksgiving. What do I do with these four teenagers? Even more than eating, how could we spend quality time together? 



The best I could come up with was to invite them to go walk with me. The air and beauty, the slow conversations, the dog smelling and exploring, and the sound of quiet was of the most value in bonding us together. 


Mary Oliver

INVITATION
Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy
and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles
for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,
or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air
as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine
and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude –
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing
just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,
do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.
It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.

– Mary Oliver (Devotions, Penguin Press 2017, 107-108)





Friday, November 2, 2018

Repeat

Some things get easier when you repeat

I was scrolling through Instagram this morning to see what I was doing a year ago today. I was pleased to see that I am repeating my actions from last year. I am writing. Last year daring to take the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) challenge seemed a little audacious. But I carefully added up all the words in my book. That book has gone through several edits and is done, as done as it needs to be at the moment.




   Today is day two of another NaNoWriMo. This year I am writing a sequel. This is a story of a young boy who is obsessed with the music of Erik Satie and wire walking. How did these two loves come together? The answer to that question is no stranger than what caused him to tumble from a 60 foot wire in the middle of his little town. It is dangerous to show you unedited work but here is a little peek at the first few chapters. 





  It feels great to know that I've tried and succeeded once and perhaps this novel will work as I repeat this lengthy process.