Friday, May 3, 2019

Opportunity

Today is our 45th Anniversary

So, I'm taking the opportunity to write about marriage. 
I was an optimistic, idealistic, naive girl when I got married. Not earth shattering news, at 21 years old we are all of those things. I wanted someone I could talk to about everything. 


What I hadn't considered fully was that although we could talk about everything we didn't necessarily see through the same lenses.


Luckily I married someone who gave much attention to how he viewed the world. He thought through his decisions carefully and then committed to those views. 


On the other hand, I vacillated more about what I thought and felt. I changed my mind frequently. He was patient with that because his North Star was always in view.


In 45 years we have communicated everyday and of course disagreed often. There are some views that I just can't understand. Those topics come up for review often. 


He has never tried to manipulate me or squash my interest in something. He supports the things I love even when he has less interest. 

  As I went through pictures this morning I realized that I haven't taken enough of us alone together. There are individual shots and so many shots with us and a child or grandchild. 

  Today I honor the two of us and our covenant to love each other because God gifted us the opportunity to be one before him and with him.




Friday, April 12, 2019

Lack

What lack I yet?

The Easter story is unfolding again during these coming days. As I read the scriptures I am drawn to observing the reactions  of those around him-during Passover, in the garden, those who interact with Jesus during his interrogations, the road to Calvary. I notice the things they lack-commitment, desire, understanding, love.


Perhaps I see those things because I feel the lack of deeper love for Him. I decided this morning to stop fighting that empty feeling. It is appropriate to recognize and be with that realization. I see the light. It's coming from the East. There will be a resurrection and it will invite me to rise up with more faith. 


Friday, February 15, 2019

Confident

Knit on with confidence and hope through all crises

My learning to knit is my favorite metaphor about learning to have confidence in life. I started knitting with a few skills.

 I loved color. I purchased yarn before for crochet projects. I already enjoyed working with my hands.

I started knitting with a few negative issues.

I freak out when I feel I can't fix something gone wrong. I get confused by written instructions. I want to make something challenging before I have basic skills.


My worst nightmare is dropped stitches. It has taken many months to believe I can pick up a dropped stitch, even one that is deep into the garment.

But, I can. 


I love the look of little cables on a garment. It means holding back a few stitches on a separate small tool. It feels awkward and the small gestures to work with that tool are new and cumbersome. 

But, I can make cables.



I am an improviser. I have a hard time following patterns. My mind seems to be searching for an easier way. I often feel smarter than the designer. 

Not true. I see the necessity of a pattern.



I fear that I won't want to wear what I make. That I will be embarrassed after working on a garment for months and decide to set it aside.

Maybe, but so far the knits I have made are precious and hold within them months of concentration and love by their creator. 


To gain confidence before the Lord I can use my knitting to show me the way.

⍅Don't fear dropping stitches. He can show me how to pick them up.

⍅I can do hard things with his help.

⍅Follow his pattern. He knows the way.

⍅He loves me because he has sacrificed for me and wears the scars to remind me.




Wednesday, February 13, 2019

At The Same Time

"Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted." 
Brené Brown

'Living all in' means being wholehearted to me. The quote above is very sobering. I believe we can't fully feel joy unless we are open to pain. Darn, that gives me a sick feeling even as I write it.
I have a way of shutting down during times of adversity. I choose to feel less so that I can get through the hard times.
But, guess what? You can't turn off feeling during hard times and expect to fully feel during good times.




Living all in means feeling the bads and the goods.


I feel peace in the middle of my pain
I feel trust and hope even though my heart is aching
I can taste the bitter and sweet
Walking where the valley and the mountain meet
There is something so divine 
When pain and grace collide
In the same place, at the same time.
Hilary Weeks






This week I've watched the place where I live blanketed in almost two feet of snow. To some that may seem normal, even mild, but here we don't do snow. We don't own winter boots or snow gear. Very few have a snow shovel. Many don't have a weeks supply of food on their shelves. It has challenged our mood and made us feel helpless.

But, it has been breathtakingly beautiful.


I have felt so frustrated and peaceful, at the same time.
For my friends and acquaintances still without power, I feel their anxiousness. Soon, very soon, all the white will turn to dirty black mud. We will be getting out and about the world with little thought to how peaceful and quiet the world is when everything stops. 

Pacific Northwest Snowacopolypse you have taught me a life lesson. 




Thursday, January 31, 2019

Chapter Eight- The Gymnopodist



Chapter 8


We should have a music of our own - if possible, without any Sauerkraut.
Erik Satie


Miguel liked to imagine himself as ‘The Velvet Wirewalker’. Like Mr. Satie, he wore a special jacket on the wire so that people would associate him with that title. Now all he needed was to find a velvet umbrella. When Satie died they found two hundred umbrellas in his closet. Surely, Miguel thought, he was a secret wire walker, too.


Pablo Gonzales parked his car down a side street. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and combed through his dark, thick hair with his fingers. Slipping the piece of paper with the security code out of his front jeans pocket, he reached into the back seat for the can of gasoline. The smell reminded him of years of mowing lawns. Filling the gas reservoir on the top of the mower always left residue on his hands.
He walked the short distance to the Boys Club silently and pulled his black hood up over his head. He would need to walk with his back flat along the entrance wall to avoid the camera at the front door. It would capture his image for a few seconds while he entered the code and opened the door but he would keep only his back visible. With sleeves pulled over his hands to obscure the tattoo above his wrist, he slipped into the building.
In the main corridor the security lights glowed  just enough to illuminate the offices and further the door to the gym. The smell of body oder and stale coffee reminded him of the years he had spent in these halls and especially in that gym. The Boys Club was a second home, maybe even the only home where he was valued for his special skills. 
The order was to burn the club to the ground. But, he was not going to do that. He would destroy the evidence in the equipment room but he didn’t have the heart to burn the whole building.
He slipped into the gym and walked across the polished floor, hearing the sound of  the tread as his shoes gripped the surface. Once inside the equipment room he looked around for the cable and ropes. He gathered them together and then made a pile of  discarded towels. Pablo noticed the pile of umbrellas. Those were Miguel’s. A deep sadness gripped his throat. With an iron will he pushed the death of his brother out of his mind. He had a mission to fulfill and this was not the moment to grieve. 
The parallel bars and balance beam looked liked skeletons in the dark with only the security lights in the gym filtering in from the door. The towels would burn well and the pile of mats in the corner, too. He doused the pile with gasoline and with a flick of his finger, lit the lighter and watched the glow snake around the white material. 
Pablo closed the door securely and looked at the flames through the window. He doubted the security camera worked inside the gym. He stayed close to the edges of the room and let himself out the back. 
As he went back to his car he took out his burner phone. He would wait just long enough for the whole room to be engulfed and then report the fire. There were other orders he would need to follow through on. One was making sure the Gonzales kid didn’t get released from the Juvenile Detention Center. 


When Stevie and Reggie arrived the next morning at the Highland Park Police precinct the homicide detectives were abuzz with talk of the fire at the local Boy’s Club.    Pictures of the fire were being passed around. Stevie took the pictures and studied the charred remains. The detectives were sure that the fire was arson and that it was set to destroy evidence concerning the Miguel Cervantes death. Stevie looked at everyone huddled together for the morning briefing. Who was asking questions? Why did everyone seem to agree? When Detective Mullins arrived things grew quiet. His demeanor was intense with a slight sense of desperation. 
“Okay, people. I think we all feel this fire was set by the Gonzales gang in an attempt to cover up evidence that Jorge rigged the equipment in the death of his friend. What did you find at the scene this morning?” Mullins turned to his right to indicate that the two detectives should do the talking.
A short square policeman with an uniform slightly too small began a damage report on the Boy’s Club. Stevie didn’t remember his name but noted his diminutive demeanor.
“What looked to be an equipment room was burned to the ground. Someone reported the fire in the middle of the night and the fire department arrived in time to save the rest of the building.”
“Ok, Detective Symonds, what is the status of Jorge Gonzales?”
 “An attorney arrived to take responsibility for him and he was released into the custody of his parents.” Detective Symonds spoke quietly but Stevie could tell that Mullins heard every word. 
“What?” Mullins shouted across the room. “Why was he released?
“The evidence we have against him is circumstantial. The county district attorney pushed to have him released. She said we don’t have anything that proves he sabotaged the equipment. And, sir, we really don’t have enough.” 
“Well, don’t stand around here, let’s find some evidence. Go over that video the kid made and read through the witness statements again.”
“Excuse me, Detective Mullins.” Stevie felt her heart rate elevate and she forced herself to stand up and face the rest of the detectives. “I think we may need to be looking farther afield than Jorge Gonzales. In interviewing Miguel’s mother, his piano teacher, and Jorge himself, my partner Detective Watts and I have found nothing to indicate that these two younger boys were part of the gang…..”
Mullins whirled around and stepped up into Stevie’s face. 
“His piano teacher? What in the world would she know about a gang boy?” He snorted the words into her face.
Stevie felt her stomach convulse as she faced Detective Mullins. He was attempting to shame her into backing down. She understood this technique. It was a cheap shot at discipline but it wasn’t going to work on her. 
“Actually sir, the piano teacher may know more about this young man than even his mother. I’ve learned to listen to people who care for the victim and those who hate the victim. Both may be blind to some truth about the person but good detective work means reading between the lines.”
In a mocking way Mullins bowed to Stevie and snorted. 
“Tell us then Detective Dangerfield,” He exaggerated her last name, “Who do you think we should investigate?”
At this point Reggie stepped up next to Stevie and added his point of view.
“Who has something to gain by causing the death of Miguel Cervantes? You think Jorge was forced into retaliating against the Cervantes gang by killing his friend? Both of these boys have brothers who hate each other. Have the younger boys participated in the past in any gang related activities? I’ve read the reports and I don’t see any evidence.” 
 Stevie felt grateful for Reggie’s questions. They seemed the only ones in the room ready to make deeper inquiries. 
“Look Watts, all the kids are tied up in these activities. It is a way of life. Don’t be naive about what’s going on here.” Mullins looked at his detectives who were nodding their agreement.
Stevie stepped forward and folded her arms over her chest. 
“Who is looking into the Boy’s Club? Is Alex Douglas involved with the gang’s in some way? He runs this club and has had relationships with these boys for years. What does he know?”
“Okay,…. okay Miss Dangerfield why don’t you go investigate the Boy’s Club connection and we’ll be waiting to hear from you.” Mullins walked around Stevie and came back tot the front of the room. “Symonds, you bring in Pablo Cervantes and Javier Gonzales. Let’s squeeze them into giving us some more information. You are all dismissed.”




Monday, January 14, 2019

Breathtaking and Ordinary


See the Breathtaking and the Ordinary


A breathtaking view might bring us into the moment with absolute wonder. Our eyes might get wide, our pulse quicken, and gratitude might flood us with love for this life we are living.





But, the ordinary moment can also bring that kind of joy.

  Perhaps you glance at the window sill in the middle of a rushed and full day to see the daffodils opening in January. Stop. Look. 
Feel the gratitude flood through you for this amazing life you are living.


Breathtaking (adjective) astonishing or awe-inspiring in quality, so as to take one's breath away.
Ordinary (adjective) with no special or distinctive features; normal; commonplace

Be Where You Are 
See the breathtaking and the ordinary




Monday, January 7, 2019

Be Where You Are While You Are Here

Don't chase peace away when things are okay.

 Sometimes when things are good in life I let my mind swirl with idea and plans and then I find myself burdened in the middle of a joyous time.


A steady mind is a mind that can stay on the ordinary moments of breathing, smelling the bacon on the stove, feeling the sponginess of a good wool yarn, or hearing your husband snoring.
I try to remember that my body can't feel the difference between being stressed out by an adverse event or imagining that event when it is not even happening. The heart still races, the mind is muddled, and the breathing becomes shallow. 

That is chasing peace away when things are okay.
So,
be where you are while you are here.