In You Must Go

   I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.     

" Rather than running from our Stormy First Drafts, we dig into them knowing they unlock the fears and doubts that get in the way of our wholeheartedness."

    Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had me in front of him and his mother at his side.

    "Tell Grandma what you are feeling about piano lessons."

    " I don't want to play piano."

    " Can you tell me why?"

    " I don't like the song I'm playing."

    "Would you like different music?"

    "No", said Alex, "I want to quit piano lesson."

     I launched into a litany of examples of how my students handle their practice when things get hard and how adults have unanimously told me they wished their mothers had made them continue.

     Alex refused to meet my eyes. His mother nudged him and encouraged him to go on.

    

   "I still want to quit piano."
    He shifted again, looking down at the floor.
    "You make me feel like I am no good at piano."
    "What?" I looked strongly into these brown eyes that I love.
    "You gave me an easier book to play from. I hate those songs. You don't think I am good enough."
    Somehow, after more discussion  we talked Alex into trying again. I pulled out some Halloween songs to win him over. He was fully engaged in the learning process when a smile spread over his face. He couldn't help show the delight he felt from the bouncy, minor staccato chords. I stopped him.
    "What are you feeling right now?"
    He looked into my eyes. The trust was back. The heart was softening.
     "I feel happy."
     "Will you please remember this feeling? I will remember it, too. When the frustration comes back, let's pull this memory out of your back pocket. It is a true feeling. The others were true, as well, but, this one needs to stay stronger."
    What lessons do we learn from going into the dark cave of our emotions? Tomorrow I want to start tackling the process of integration. 



 

Stockpiling Hurt and Fear Of High Centering

     I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.       

The office where we were all gathered was very small. My father-in-law was sitting doing the typing.  I was guiding him through genealogy software that was new to him. New information about his ancestors was available online and I was asking him to enter that data onto my personal file. Knowing how frustrating computer instructions can be I was being very patient giving short, detailed commands. Things were going smoothly until his wife entered the room. The mood changed drastically. He tensed at every new direction. She was not directly behind him but I was aware that he saw her out of the corner of his eye. There was a pile of hurt, unexpressed, regarding his abilities on the computer between my mother-in-law and him. I knew that from my husband. It all started when his mother called him stupid as a boy. From then on when a woman judged his intellect he felt small and inadequate. These emotions were stockpiled by a man who was an honored math teacher. These feelings never erupted in front of me, or anyone really. They just simmered, becoming more richly flavored.

" Stockpiling starts like chandeliering, with us firmly packing down the pain, but here we just continue to amass hurt until the wisest part of us, our bodies, decides that enough is enough."

    These last barriers of integrating emotion are lethal. They take residence in the cells of the body.

    I was holding the hand of a lovely woman who got high centered in a discussion between four friends. She came seething with emotion. For an hour she denied having anything to share. But then the rest of us stopped the charade and plead with her to let the emotion out. I'll never forget the fear in her eyes. When the tears started they were hot and bitter. Her statements seemed illogical and out of context . Having just read the chapter called "The Reckoning" in Rising Strong, I recognized the situation. I wish I could say we healed the wound. We didn't. We couldn't. We gave her space to be undone. I held her hand tightly, whispering that she was safe.

"If I recognize my hurt or fear or anger, I'll get stuck. Once I engage even a little, I won't be able to move backward and pretend that it doesn't matter, but moving forward might open a floodgate of emotion I can't control. I'll be stuck, helpless."

    Tomorrow I want to broach the subject of how we integrate these emotions before they eat us alive. I have many questions and few answers. I do know there is healing in prayer. I would never presume that Dr. Brown has healing power. That lies firmly in the hands of my savior. She has words to describe. And words start the conversation, in our heads and between each other.

Rumbling With Accountability and Perfectionism

           Today is day 12 of the 31 Days of Writing In October

  I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.       

     Yesterday I added the barrier of numbing hurt to the group of ways we can off-load emotion. I confessed I was particularly prone to numb my feelings with food. Using accountability can be effective for me to be more mindful of my diet. However, I have been "rumbling" (analyzing and considering) with my resistance to using it. I open the app on my phone to record my intake of food for the day and I feel that sticky, slowing of will power. I resent writing down everything I eat. I want to cheat.

 Today I realized that my aversion to accountability has to do with feeling that unless my accounting is perfect, it is not worth recording. So here I am dealing with perfectionism. Making an accounting is really just marking where we are in our journey. It is helpful if we are honest. Rather than numbing my feeling of inadequacy with food maybe I should sit with the feeling and look at what I am trying to do. Perhaps I could feel grateful that my body can respond to good self-care.

  "Lord, help me do better everyday and always show thee my gratitude for having a body and spirit to integrate with thy will. Help me on my wholehearted journey"

Numbing Hurt

   I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.       

"Our inner hustlers have very little tolerance for discomfort and self reflection. They deny emotion and hate curiosity."    

To review, some ways we guard against feeling emotions are chandeliering emotion, exploding in a rage when we are overcome with feelings, bouncing hurt away with anger, blame and avoidance, and today I want to write about numbing hurt.    

Two years ago I read Brené Brown's "The Gift Of Imperfection". A short time later I took an online class based on this book. When we discussed the numbing hurt and emotional pain chapter I felt "guilty as charged". My drug of choice was and still is, food. I've used it all my life. My mother and father commented on my weight constantly and I became inwardly rebellious. No one was going to dictate to me what I could and could not eat. That rebellious nature is still alive and kicking. Whenever I feel pressed, for time, for energy, for money, for connection with others I take refuge in food. And if you add TV, that makes an even better combination. I escape and run away.

Understanding my emotional eating has helped, a tiny bit. But what I feel really sad about is this quote.

"But no matter what we use, we can't selectively numb emotions-when we numb the dark, we also numb the light."

My desire for wholeheartedness means dealing with this way of handling emotion. The only way out is through spiritual healing.

"Nevertheless, not withstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man (woman) that I am! Yea my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of my iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. 

Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robes of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape?"

Nephi 4

Rumbling With Unmet Expectations and Disappointments

 I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.                

   Yesterday as I was writing about the bouncers Anger, Blame, and Avoidance I reached way down into the emotional stories of the past to understand why I was employing these bullies. It was not immediately clear. Having children and starting a family was a goal I desperately wanted to achieve. Why was I often so angry? I went back to chapter seven of "Rising Strong"to review the common rumbles we all have.

"Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant  the disappointment."

   That fit my past and even my present stories. Somehow I started my life away from my parents thinking that certain situations were basic human rights. Yes, I had entitlement issues. Perhaps some of these will sound familiar.
  If you get an education you are entitled to have a really good job.
  If you are obedient to the Lord you will get ahead financially.
  If you have a job you will get to own a house.
  If your husband works hard you won't have to go to work.
  If you teach your children properly they will be obedient.

   In the second decade of raising my five children I adopted the motto, LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. I quoted this often and found my friends resenting that statement as if I was willing to sell out to some lower laws.
   Guess what? Here are some things that transpired in my life that I never in a million years expected.
    I have had, and still have, a business teaching piano to 35 students a week for 27 years. I never planned that.
    I home schooled most of my children for a decade. I didn't see that coming.
    I am an artist and art is a major focus in my life. Totally unexpected.

    Even as I write this I feel the spirit whisper, "My plans for you are so much more than what you expected and thought you deserved."

"Wholeheartedness requires being conscious of the litany of expectations that hum along below the surface so we can reality-check our thinking"

Bouncing Hurt

"Anger, blame, and avoidance are the ego's bouncers"

I am trying to get some bouncers off my payroll. I hired them 100 years ago, or so it seems, to take care of those pesky emotional hurts. But these three, anger, blame and avoidance still feel like they must police my emotional life. They are working less hours now that I am more mature but I certainly am acquainted with their tactics.

   I married young and had five wonderful children in a decade. Being immature, I had to grow up with my kids. When I became emotionally over-wrought I turned to anger and blame to take care of the issues. This made me feel guilty and small and fueled the emotions I couldn't integrate.
   Doing the dishes became a big issue in my home. As the kids got older, I wanted them to share in this constant task. I couldn't fully understand why I had to nag so much. I behaved badly. They behaved badly. I rumbled over this problem for a decade. It resolved in a surprising way. You can read about it here. It resolved through prayer and humility. Having children provided a school in humility. Why did it take me so long to turn to prayer as a solution? And, I'm not out of school, yet.

  "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answers to thy prayers."

 I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.               

Chandeliering Our Emotions

"One of the outcomes of attempting to ignore emotional pain is chandeliering. We think we have packed the hurt so far down that it can't possibly resurface, yet all of a sudden, a seemingly innocuous comment sends us into a rage or sparks a crying fit."

    My father had volatile emotions. It was hard to predict when he might "hit the ceiling". Now, this is a man I love and brought so much good into my life. I credit him with my need to create because he taught that to me. I am not bashing him but explaining a truth which set me in a direction which I still travel today. When his anger would send him up to "hit the chandelier", we all ducked for cover. I learned to please and avoid all contention. I was the apple of his eye until I countered him for the first time when I was eight. I wanted to be baptized into the church but he wanted me to be his Sunday buddy. Not believing in an organized church, there was always tension, covert and overt, between my parents. I joined her side and lost my most favored status, or so I thought. Today I still struggle with the need to please. It makes me do the hustle, which is a term I will explain in more detail in a upcoming post. I have always hustled for worthiness because I wanted to keep the climate in my home steady. Somehow I thought I could control that. Dr. Brown explains that, "chandeliering leads to eggshell environments- fear based settings where everyone is on edge."
   If we are the ones chandeliering, the way to wholeheartedness is through unpacking the hurts. It means rumbling with pain.
  If we are consistently on the receiving end of these outbursts the pathway to whole-heartness is not different. It still means unpacking the hurts and rumbling with pain. It means coming to understand why someone we love acts the way they do. It means accepting that we are not to blame for their reactions only our own response.
   
     "Living, growing up, working, or worshipping on eggshells creates huge cracks in our sense of safety and self-worth."

     "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

Proverbs 15:1

  I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". You can find the other posts I have written here.