What Is An Underdog?

                          Day 25-

    A competitor thought to have little chance of winning a fight or contest is the underdog.

Twenty years ago the type of breast cancer I have was considered extremely dangerous. There was little chance of winning the fight. But with a new drug and combination of treatments I will be able to rise up out of this sentence.

"This is not a new story, but it is one worth remembering. Most women with breast cancer are aware of the "miracle drug" Herceptin/Trastuzumab. It has changed the prognosis for women with this kind of breast cancer from an often lethal disease to one that can often be effectively treated. I have heard several oncologists say that it has "leveled the playing field" for women with HER2-positive breast cancer as compared to those with other types of the disease. One oncologist even told me that, if she is ever diagnosed with breast cancer, she hopes that it is HER2-positive. This is a strong statement that reflects the incredible impact a single drug breakthrough can make."

When I fight a hard battle I like to have an anthem running in my head. A song that I choose especially for this time of my life. I stumbled onto Alicia Key's song Underdog and immediately reacted to her words. I am not homeless, not a single mother, not a doctor on the frontline, but I am a fighter who feels that I will be able to rise up from under this shadow of disease. 

Today is the twenty fifth day of writing about my walk with cancer. I feel that I am current with the story but it is not finished. I have many miles to go and I know I will add stories in the future. Thank you for reading along. Thank you for your encouraging words. It has cheered me and given me hope to rise up and live my life to the fullest. 

She was walking in the street, looked up and noticed

He was nameless, he was homeless

She asked him his name and told him what hers was

He gave her a story 'bout a life

With a glint in his eye and a corner of a smile

One conversation, a simple moment

The things that change us if we notice

When we look up, sometimes

They said I would never make it

But I was built to break the mold

The only dream that I've been chasing is my own

So I sing a song for the hustlers trading at the bus stop

Single mothers waiting on a check to come

Young teachers, student doctors

(Cancer patients)

Doctors on the frontline knowing they don't get to run

This goes out to the underdog on keeping at what you love

You'll find that someday soon enough

You will rise up, rise up,…

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Chemo Side Effect Helps

Day 24-

“Did you notice the smile on a cancer patient's face after the last treatment?

That's the smile you want on your face.” 

― Lawrence Wray

I'm working to get through that gate. On the bench I'll rest for a while and then I have intention of walking along that path of good health.

So where am I today?

I've just had the fifth treatment of strong chemo drugs. I have one more to go and then the third drug, not chemo, but a target drug will be given every three weeks until May 2021. Radiation is on the horizon in the Fall.

I am a person that looks for patterns. Mostly I crave some consistency. I have carefully watched my reactions to chemo to find some predictability. It has taken me this long to feel like I know the name of my chemo drugs, know what the intended reason for using them, and know the side effects they create in my body.

Technically, I've had this information for months and months but I just couldn't read the reams of paper without feeling afraid. If you tell me that there is a possibility of a side effect I will look for it.

Not a good idea.

Here are some helps that are working to offset the side effects in my body.

• Push liquids through your system just like they tell you. Your body will want to reject these drugs and it will need to eliminate most of the fluids that are injected into your bloodstream. Lots of liquids help the dizziness and feeling of bodily instability.
• Drinking two ounces of Aloe Vera juice twice a day helps to cool the mucous system that is on fire because of the inflammatory response your body launches.
• Gargle with salt water many times a day. That helps the mouth stay less reactive and prevents sores form forming there.
• Walk every day. That seems weird on some days when I feel dizzy but I just grab my walking stick and go as far as I feel I can. 
• Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and little meat. Some days the chemicals in your mouth change the way foods taste but I try to enjoy the summer fruits that are here now.
• A foot bath in the evening of very warm water with apple cider vinegar and shaved ginger root keeps my feet from swelling and hurting.
• Prepare for sleep by winding down at night. No stimulating reading, watching, or thinking. I listen to my Calm App and let it tell me a story to bring sleep more easily. 

These are just a few ideas. Mainly I want you to know that there are solutions to most issues. The solution may only be temporary but today is the day to survive.

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Hope

Day 23-

 “Because the Restoration reaffirmed the foundational truth that God does work in this world, we can hope, we should hope, even when facing the most insurmountable odds.”

                                     -Elder Jeffery R. Holland 

This lovely, inspiring painting by Annie Henrie Nader, is hanging in my studio as a print. The tree is the tree of life and if you can enlarge this on your computer you can see how Annie painted a genealogy pedigree among the tree's branches. The glowing fruit of the tree is the love of God. His love resonates within the fruit as we partake of the Atonement of his son, Jesus Christ. This fruit is to be shared. This fruit fills me with hope.

“We still have hopes that have not yet been fulfilled. Even as we speak, we are waging an “all hands on deck” war with COVID-19, a solemn reminder that a virus 1,000 times smaller than a grain of sand can bring entire populations and global economies to their knees.”

Elder Jeffery R. Holland gave a truly invigorating talk in the 2020 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was entitled A Perfect Brightness Of Hope. 

I needed that talk and the re-reading of his words has brought me a rekindling of hope.

“We pray for those who have lost loved ones in this modern plague, as well as for those who are currently infected or at risk. We certainly pray for those who are giving such magnificent health care. When we have conquered this—and we will—may we be equally committed to freeing the world from the virus of hunger, freeing neighborhoods and nations from the virus of poverty.” 

Elder Holland speaks with such power when he declares that we will conquer the plague of Corona Virus. It made me more hopeful that I to can conquer the disease of cancer.

“May we hope for schools where students are taught—not terrified they will be shot—and for the gift of personal dignity for every child of God, unmarred by any form of racial, ethnic, or religious prejudice. Undergirding all of this is our relentless hope for greater devotion to the two greatest of all commandments: to love God by keeping His counsel and to love our neighbors by showing kindness and compassion, patience and forgiveness.” 

Going back to Annie's painting I sense in the energy of the bodies receiving the fruit is one of forward moving. Hope can't flower if we sit on it and wait. Hope opens up when we act and move forward as if it was already so.

“May we press forward with love in our hearts, walking in the “brightness of hope” that lights the path of holy anticipation we have been on now for 200 years. I testify that the future is going to be as miracle-filled and bountifully blessed as the past has been.”

Thank you Elder Holland for lifting my spirit and allowing me to live in hope instead of fear.

Go To Day 24-

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My Dream Medical Team

Day 22-

An ideal medical team has many helpers on board. If you could afford helpers to get your health up to where you desire, who would they be? 

1. First Up- My Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Their son Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost. Their divine help is eternal because they know me from before my mortal birth, they know me now, and they know who I am becoming in the future. They know all this, all at once, outside of time. They provide help with so much more knowledge that anyone else.
2. My Oncologist-She is like the team captain. She knows my cancer the best. She understands if I need surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, or any other treatments. The playbook and the strategies are in her knowledge base.
3. The Acupuncturist- She is like the bench coach in baseball. If my energetic field needs clearing, she has Chinese herbs and remedies that work with the whole body system. She makes sure the body is filled with life giving energy.
4. The Naturopath- She is like the pitching coach. It would be ideal if she specialized in oncology. My diet, supplements, and overall health is her concern. She believes in natural healing and would look to find ways to augment, mitigate, or replace drugs in the healing process. She would help me to understand what supplements I need to avoid which conflict with chemotherapy.
5. The Therapist- She would be like the team manager in baseball. Sometimes I need a person to help my over re-acting brain. Just talking to someone who sees me and encourages my good changes is a balm in Gilead. Accountability for what I want to improve is also a really good support.
6. The Massage Therapist- She would be like the bullpen coach. She is getting the player ready to get out in the field. To have a regular assist in allowing the muscles in my body to let go, is heaven.
7. The Physical Therapist- She is like the hitting and base coaches in baseball. If my body is aching or in pain the physical therapist can often see where I am not in alignment skeletally. Her exercises can help me walk better, sit better,  do the work of everyday with smarter muscle movement.
8. Friends and even strangers who understand- These team members, perhaps like fans, are my life line. A chat a day, or every week with someone who loves me is like living water. A card or letter helps me feel connected to the world going on around me who is not fighting my fight but willing to be a witness to my fight.  

What a team of helpers! Only one of these is covered by insurance so I can't afford them all. Some I pay for out of pocket as needed. Some are free of charge

Wouldn't it be something if our health system had all of these helpers working together in one facility, sharing information?

Go To Day 23-

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Losing My Hair

"Hair loss makes cancer patients feel exposed and vulnerable. Something this visible can cause an unwelcome intrusion, transforming a personal health struggle into one that is public."

Hats are making a big come back in my life. Here is a montage of pictures of four generations. Top left; my grandmother, top right; my mother, bottom left; me, and bottom right my adorable granddaughter.

At The Kitchen Table 

“It’s happening.” I said it quietly and slowly. 

“What is?” He looked up from his book. 

“You know, the thing I’ve been dreading.” He should know exactly what I was talking about. 

“ Ah….I’m going to be in the dog house here, I know, but….what are you dreading again?” 

A slow, rolling angst was coming up from my core. 

“I have cancer, you know!” 

He looked up with a dismayed expression. 

“What is going on?” He arose from his side of the table and came around to sit next to me. 

The tears burst from my eyes. “I am losing my hair. There was a big bunch in the shower today. I didn’t actually think it would happen.” 

He pulled me up from my chair and held me firmly against the truth of my life.

It has been therapeutic to write about my walk with cancer but I have not been able to go out in public without a head covering. At first I thought is was vanity but it is more about being in control of a mop of hair that I shampoo, blow dry and style, and then this projects or makes a statement about who I am. As of yet, baldness just isn't a good look for me, although it is convenient and less costly when it comes to haircuts and hair coloring. By Christmas I should have my wish. A new head of hair. 

Go To Day 21

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How Covid-19 Changed Cancer Treatments

Day 19-

 "You don't look anything like you do on Zoom."

Before Covid our doctors and nurses had faces we could read. I looked for signs of worry and concern in their eyes. 

When I met my second oncologist for the first time in person she said to me, "You don't look anything like you do on Zoom."

I laughed out loud. "Well, there's no way I can even tell who you are."

Before Covid you could walk into a medical facility and approach the receptionist.  Now, I am greeted with questions, my temperature is taken with a wand, and I am given an oxygen test. Then I stand behind a plexiglass wall and talk to the receptionist.

Before Covid you could bring up to three people to your chemo infusions. Sometimes, or so my nurses told me, it turned into a party. I have a dear friend whose father went through chemo treatments. He dressed up in a different theme each time and his family and friends came dressed in that theme as well. So if the theme was clowns, then everyone he brought to chemo was dressed like a clown.

Now I go alone, with my mask on, sit six feet apart and busy myself with reading or knitting for the four hour treatment. 

All these procedure are for health and safety. 

It can feel like scarcity of warmth and engagement. But for now, it is enough.

Do the birds panic in winter? In the barrenness do they despair? The opposite of scarcity is enough. Whole heartedness is born of scarcity. 

There is peace in enough.

                            

                                 Go To Day 20

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Vulnerability Is Tied To Wholeheartedness

Day 18-

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. - Brene Brown

Confession

 I have a confession. Since corona virus quarantine I’ve become a hermit. I don’t go anywhere or engage with anyone in person. My piano teaching happens online, with my best efforts to ask questions and draw each student out a little bit.

  My real interactions with strangers happen when I go to the infusion center to get Chemo.

There twenty to thirty people sit six feet apart. Extroverts make the interactions playful and even the more introverted patients smile while the nurses joke and tease. 

My confession is that this experience is more enjoyable than I let on in my family. I try not to play the cancer card as a way to get more attention but I do like the way my husband and daughter pat me on the back and tell me how brave I am. Little do they know that this is a fairly happy place and I am hungry for real people and real conversation.

I think our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. It means engaging with the world from a place of vulnerability and worthiness. -Brene Brown

Go To Day 19

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