Doubt

    Oh, Kate, you picked a loaded word prompt today. I doubt that I really want to think about it.

I doubt myself, a lot. I doubt that we can stay financially solvent here in our beloved country. I doubt that life will get easier. I doubt my grandchildren will see a higher standard of living.

    Today I doubt my organization and housecleaning is serving my family very well. My husband reported that upon opening this cupboard a tea tin was lodged into mid air and exploded on the floor. So at 4:30am he was sweeping little peppermint leaves together. Bless his heart, he didn't tell me until later. He didn't judge me but suggested that pushing items into spaces that are too small isn't a good idea. I love him, and very rarely doubt him.

   I must confess that at times I even doubt that God can save a wretch like me. 

But, nevertheless, I can and will go on. I think I should clean out this cupboard.

I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

I will be writing 31 days in October and my topics will be things I'm learning from the book Rising Strong by Brené Brown. Making this statement is starting the butterflies in my brain. 

Limit

If I write everyday I won't be doing my dishes or cleaning the bathroom before I start.

I teach piano by  8:15 am most mornings. I know, who made that crazy schedule? My writing time is 7:00-8:00am with some stopovers during the day when I have a break. So, I will be unable to wash the breakfast dishes or clean the bathroom before the students come. This urgency to use my limited time makes my writing experience a bit clandestine, even a bit secretive. My family never reads my blog so I write for an audience that is largely unknown. What I know of you, dear reader, is what you choose to reveal and what you know of me is limited to what feels true today. 

   
        Limits are both good and bad. For me choosing from a smaller amount of alternatives has helped me be more decisive. I love Five Minute Friday for that reason. Writing a few good paragraphs is a challenge.  Of course, some days I long for just another hour to develop my ideas. My writing will happen in small chunks. Planning will be the key and that can be done in my head even while I do dishes or should I say it?  It can be done even when I'm listening to a little musician play her scales.
   I am so grateful for this writing group and the book by Ann and Charity. Many  more skills are in my back pocket. Thank-you so much to those who have made helpful and positive comments. I know you in a more personal way. Let's keep going and popping in on each other's blog.
   I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration.

   I will be writing 31 days in October and my topics will be things I'm learning from the book Rising Strong by Brené Brown. Making this statement is starting the butterflies in my brain. 

Rest

   How hard is it for you to know when you need rest. or when you're tumbling into distraction to avoid the work? What's the difference, or are they possibly related?

    My eyes stray out the window. Light is mesmerizing. Time is irritating. I want to go to the water and sit. These are clear signals that I need rest. Procrastination, on the other hand, feels like butterflies are invading my mind. They flit here and there, never landing long enough to decide. That is resistance to do the work. It is not a need for rest. It is fear. I must clearly define the difference because resistance will surely highjack my writing goals.

Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.
                    The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

 I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration.

   I will be writing 31 days in October and my topics will be things I'm learning from the book Rising Strong by Brené Brown. Making this statement is starting the butterflies in my brain. 

31 Days in October

       I am joining Kate Motaung and others who are writing every day in October. My intention is to record my reactions and feelings about Brené Brown's newest book, "Rising Strong". My interest in Dr. Brown's research goes back years. I wrote about The Gifts Of Imperfection and Daring Greatly in previous posts. Recording my thoughts and reactions was most helpful. The concepts stayed in my mind longer and I was able to apply her ideas to my life more readily. I welcome comments, especially by those who have read the book or who will read the book, eventually. The issues Dr. Brown addresses are current and applicable to everyone. Often I will include stories from the scriptures because I draw on the relationships others have with God as a source of understanding. Jesus, after all, was the first to rise strong and his mission is to bring us out and redeem us.

   October 1- An Invitation To Wholeheartedness

   October 2- Rising Strong? From What?
   October 3- The Three R's
   October 4- The Stories We Tell
   October 5- The Stormy First Draft
   October 6- A Funny First Draft
   October 7- What Is Going On With My Emotions?
   October 8- Chandeliering Our Emotions
   October 9- Bouncing Hurt
   October 10- Rumbling With Unmet Expectations and Disappointments
   October 11- Numbing Hurt
   October 12- Rumbling With Accountability and Perfectionism
   October 13- Stockpiling Emotion And The Fear of High Centering
   October 14- In You Must Go
   October 15- Integrate Our Stories
   October 16- The Delta Is Green
   October 17- Rumbling With Boundaries
   October 18-What Are Scofflaws and Sewer Rats?
   October 19-Are We Doing The Best We Can?
   October 20-Rumbling With Creativity
   October 21-Creativity, A Pathway to Integration
   October 22- Rumbling With Need
   October 23- The Joy Of Needing Help
   October 24- My Key Learnings About Being a Helper and Needing Help
   October 25- Is Failure Recycleable?
   October 26- Shame and Failure
   October 27- Discussion Of Service
   October 28- You Gotta Dance With Them That Bring You
   October 29- Key Learnings For Me
   October 30- Class With Brené Brown
   October 31- Manifesto Of The Brave And Brokenhearted

The links will become live as they are posted.

Celebrate

    When I write every Friday with the Five Minute Friday gang I don't read others posts until my post is finished. The word prompt percolates in my head until I can respond in a honest way. Celebrate is a word that is weighted with action. I visualize entertaining, cooking and cleaning. I feel bad about that. Surely there is more to celebrate. What if the little acts I do are also a from of celebration. Like driving to the water this morning to celebrate the light.

           The path is not left or right, but towards the light      

      Or feeling the Holy Spirit whisper that I am loved. I need to celebrate when I actually hear the music. Life is so much more than learning what to do and when. 

You can learn all the dance steps correctly but if you don't hear the music you can't really dance.

I write on Fridays with a large group who inspire me. Only five minutes and without much thought to perfection. I write, prompted by one word that sends my thoughts to the keyboard and hopefully make sense.

Make a Writing Plan

This is a first for me. I am making a writing plan, primarily for my blog. Here are some writing projects I'd like to finish before the year is over. 

1. Write a story about my experiences facilitating art for my grandchildren. 

Audience: Anyone who cares about art as a means of integrating emotions and finding a creative path to wholeheartedness.

Premise: I had almost two years of once a week time to have five grandchildren ages 5-14 in my home to explore art. It started as a means to keep them occupied as I was watching them while their parents had appointments in town. The outcome was amazing both in how we learned to connect but also in how they learned to see themselves as artistic people.

Where to Publish: I'm not so sure about what magazine might be interested in this subject. I thought of Bella Grace but the piece will dictate where it might need to go.

1. Art calms the charged up mind.
2. We use art supplies differently.
3. Art teaches observation.
4. Making art is vulnerable. 
5. Being creative is a learned self-definition.

2. Write about my strong response to Brené Brown's new book, "Rising Strong".

Audience: A growing number of people who are hearing of her work and wonder what the hype is all about.

Premise: As a Christian I wonder not so much about the why questions in the gospel but about the how questions. Dr, Brown, a Christian herself, has become a spokesperson for individuals who desire wholeheartedness. I would like to share in several posts the things I've learned and how they make me what to be more wholly his.

Where to Publish: This work will go on my blog. I have Pinterest friends who visit now and then to read what I think of Dr. Brown's books. I would love to have input by other readers and hope my writing cousins might weigh in on what they think.

1. We can rise up stronger in our pursuit of wholeheartedness.
2. Instead of off-loading emotions we can learn to integrate them into our daily life.
3. We all tell stories about our struggles. They don't need to be factual but they do need to feel certain. Becoming more honest in our inner stories invites revelation from the Holy Ghost and helps us feel more humble.
4. There comes a time when an emotional experience must be reckoned with. At that point we must rumble with feelings, sorting out which are real and which we have confabulated. It is truly a revolution to come out of the swamp of crippling emotional setbacks to Rise Strong into becoming a wholehearted individual.

   These two projects are immensely interesting to me and I am writing copy in my head all the time. Getting them on paper is my goal.

"Practice what you know, and it will help to make clear what now you do not know."
      Russ Ramsey

 I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration.

Engage

My twin grandchildren give me endless observations to log into my mental journal. The other day I found my hand holding back the edge of a grate over the fireplace. H. had found the crack and continuously pulled it open. I was resolute. I glanced over at B. and found his eyes glued to his sister's actions. The twin magic is that they read each other. They know what the other one is trying to do. When H. tired of my blocking her moves she crawled away and within a minute B. was there investigating the same opening.

I want a twin artist friend. She would be calling me and asking with excitement about our creative adventure today. Our art supplies would be side by side. (Perhaps I don't yet share well). Our writing would be bounced back and forth for honest assessment. She would be kind but firm in keeping me focused and trying new things. I would gush over her brilliance but warn her about complacency. 

but….

I don't have an artist twin. I do however have cousins. You know who you are. You are the generous people who comment on my blog. Did I tell you how excellent you are at connecting with me. I appreciate your very existence. It keeps the loneliness from making me immobile. Deep appreciation to those, like Kate Motaung, and others for creating a space to share and learn.  Writing can be lonely, painting in my studio and even playing the piano can be lonely. Yet, it is the very language that can communicate and connect us together.

  "Use loneliness. It's ache creates urgency to reconnect with the world. Take that aching and use it to propel you deeper onto your need for expression-to speak. to say who you are and how you care about light and rooms and lullabies."
                        Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg

   I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration.

Same as…...

   This is the same as…. I am in a snow storm and I am going to die.

I was crouched into the space with my feet. My eyes were closed tight, heart racing, sweat starting at the base of my neck. My husband was driving and five kids were in the back of the car. The last time my eyes were open we were on a road with a hillside on my right and a drop of one hundred feet on the left side of the car. A snowstorm was raging outside and visibility was low. I was preparing to die.

   Today all snowstorms bring on the same physical feelings. It is trauma. It is a story I tell without rationale or logic. I have other stories with which I rumble. The swamp of my emotions is dark and sticky. I go in with armor which I realize will not protect me but,….the swamp holds redemption. There is one who will meet me there.

"The spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be. 
    Jacob 4:13

Discover

          How I Turned From A City Mouse To A Country Mouse

    Sirens wail, cars move over into the right lane, and life is in full throttle on California Avenue. My 

weekly visit to the city is hectic at 7:30 in the morning. Every Thursday I see my grandchildren.  But my first stop is to snag a table at the bakery, a little indulgence that I call an artist date. The 

display cases are full this morning. One by one the customers come in, rub their chins in bewilderment 

while wondering what delight they will order. Paper coffee cups pressed to their lips they converse 

in two word sentences. The words, "morning" and "hurry" escape from quiet conversations. If I lived 

in the condos above the bakery I think I might be here every day. But, I am not a city mouse. I arrived here by ferry, forty minutes over the water. I came to spend a few minutes observing and writing. I'll only be able to stay a while because the space is getting crowded and new customers are eyeing my table wondering if I will be leaving soon. I will.

 

"Goodbye", said the country mouse. "You do indeed live in a plentiful city, but I am going home, where I can enjoy my dinner in peace."

   At home I might be sitting in the garden, listening to an persistent bird wail. My company could be a

deer and her twin fawns. They are much too tame, hardly turning their heads when I come

into the yard. Traffic does pass by but it is predictable and often coincides with the ferry schedule. 

There are long pauses when everything is still. Breakfast goodies are limited here on this island. My 

favorite spot does not open until 9:00am and is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays because they believe 

in days off. I always think of going on Monday. 

    When we first moved to the island the dark at night was fierce. The pitch black was so quiet and vastly different than the city. It took some adjustments. Now I wonder if I could ever get used to hundreds of people living around me. I can name the people on my street and tell you what they do during the day. 

Acres of land separate us from neighbors, giving us the feeling of living in the woods. What we lack in neighbors is made up for in the creature visitors. They can be irritating and sometimes downright trouble. Raccoons, squirrels, mice, hawks, an eagle now and then, and yes, unfortunately, rats. Ignoring the issues associated with pests is what I do best and sometimes they provide comedic relief to a busy day.

Why did we move to an island?  Because it seemed adventurous. We had friends who came a year earlier and we visited often. My first ferry ride had me sweating. Would I hit another car driving on the boat so close together? What if the boat went down? Do the boats come and go all day and night? What if I need to leave and there is no boat running? What about a Tsunami? Now Idays I forget entirely that I am surrounded by water. I like to drive by the water's edge to remind myself that I chose to live in a most beautiful place.

I am a country mouse who visits the city and writing about the decision to make the change from city life helps me appreciate what I have. I do feel grateful for my present circumstances.

"Learn to write about the ordinary. Give homage to old coffee cups, sparrows, city buses, thin ham sandwiches. Make a list of everything ordinary you can think of. Keep adding to it. Promise yourself before you leave the earth, to mention everything on your list at least once in a poem, short story, newspaper article."

Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg

I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration.

Promote

  I know little about the mechanics of promotion but I can tell you somewhat of the spirit. 

Let me begin with a recent experience. Friday I had my first Instagram meet-up with Patty Waite. I traveled two hours on a gorgeous highway, along water and through densely populated trees to meet her at a restaurant which was showing her artwork. The next day she was opening her show with an reception for the general public. We talked about sharing our work. I really don't remember using the word promote but she has done it often. 

     Connecting with other artists in groups and classes has given her knowledge and a venue for promotion. Nourish, the restaurant where her work is currently hanging, heard of her because she brought her work to them and asked if they would like to feature her.

She stood with her work. She acknowledged that she felt it was good. And it does speak to me. That is why I follow her on Instagram. Her work has heart and speaks to my heart.

"We are good and therefore we are capable of shining forth through our resistance to write well and claim it as our own. It is not as important for the world to claim it as it is to claim it for ourselves. That is the essential step. That will make us content. We are good and when out work is good, it is good. We should acknowledge it and stand behind it."

    Writing Down The Bones- Natalie Goldberg  

Putting our work in front of others is terrifying. There we are, unfinished, flawed, and vulnerable, saying read my words, look at my images, but we do. We do because we are wired to make connections with others. 

" Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgement, and when they derive sustenance and strength  from the relationship."

Brené Brown

   The critics in the world of artistic expression are loud and brutal. Why would I want to show myself in that world? I recently read a piece online by someone whose named I've blocked out of my mind, who made the case that in a world where everyone can publish, show, and promote their art the quality and real talent drastically plummets to the ground. My instinctual first thought was, "they don't make art." They don't get that the writing or painting process changes us from spectators in our lives to being fully engaged.

  My artwork has been on local gallery walls. I have talked to people about what I've made, first in hushed tones but then a little bolder. I write because I get energized and excited. I paint because I love color and the magic of seeing the synthesis of canvas, paper, and paint come to life. There will always be performance anxiety but if I don't try I may miss out on being healed. I mean healed in a wholehearted way but I also mean the healing that comes from my a divine source. Christ turned towards those that risked exposure. Like the woman who touched his hem, Or the brave sister who asked to wash his feet in a public setting when she was shamed. 

                        Being healed requires a new posture of the heart.

   We need a heart that is willing to turn away from ourselves to promote our work with love. Not everyone will like our writing. Not everyone will see something uplifting in our painting but there may be one who feels stronger because they connected to the heart you revealed and deemed it good.

 I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg as inspiration. 

Yes

    So many things in my life say "yes". Yes, you are free to be slayed by the beauty in front of you, the beauty that lives around you. 

    Yes, the gourmet salad on your table is yours to relish. It has a short shelf life and a short season but here it is, for you to enjoy.

   In the back of my mind I remember the refugees fleeing across Europe. Waiting in lines, camping on floors with all they possess. Refugees are familiar to me and I have a compassion for them due to my family history. My family was forced to leave their home some sixty five years ago. I was nor yet born but I have heard the story all my life.

These are the words of my brother;

"The inevitable departure from Hirschberg in 1945 required a lot of careful planning by my parents. What would our destination be? How would we be transported? Would we have sufficient food and clothing for whatever the length of the journey would be? Since there were multiple checkpoints along the way, would we all be allowed to pass? What about our relatives, could they go with us, and if not, would they be safe? Would we ever see them again? "

These refugees will hear "no" many times before they find a new home.

Send

 I am joining fellow writers on Kate Motaung's blog who are doing a bi-weekly online discussion group.We are using On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits For A Writing Life That Lasts by Ann Kroeker and Charity Singleton Craig. I am personally reading Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg for inspiration.    

     I have two submission ideas. I am capable of finishing them but I am wary.  It feels like I am guarding my time carefully. They will both require chunks of space in my life. If I finish them I believe I will send them. Here is where the desire to share pops up. If I tell someone about these projects will  that make me more accountable? Is it too early to share?  I believe it is time to send my friends a letter. 
                     

                           Letter To Fear And Curiosity
         
Dear Lifelong Friends,
    I so appreciate the letters you both wrote. I am trying to feel gratitude for both of you. Please do not be offended if I tell you that you haunt my life. Fear, I have the upmost respect for your intensity and commitment. Curiosity, I find you indispensable to my creative pursuits. However, I intend to make some boundaries that I will not let you cross. 
     You can make my palms sweat and my heart race but, Fear, you may not intimidate me or bully me. When you do I will shut you out and the supposed reality you want to save me from will fall on deaf ears. I keep you around because you have saved me from some, a few, mistakes. Please take note.
    I will need to keep you in check also, Curiosity. Practical thinking is  not your strong suit. May I suggest you develop some time sensitivity. Brainstorming with you is wonderful but when I work, stay back.
    Again, thank-you for the special effects you entertain. Understand that my boundaries are serious.
        With love,
         ME

              Curiosity has no stake in the real world
                                 Elizabeth Gilbert
             

Fear makes the stakes really high

Elizabeth Gilbert

A Letter From Curiosity

    Curiosity is my flaky friend. She is beautiful and creative and such a fun date. But,….she is a bit flaky. My creative self needs her by my side but I have to reign her in and show her my strong boundaries. She is often miffed at our relationship.

                                    Letter from Curiosity

Hello Adventurer,

    Boy, I have got some great ideas for you. Don't you want to know what I just figured out? Is this a good time to bother you? Sure it is! Showing you the next great thing since hot pockets is important. Speaking of hot pockets, I wonder what is for lunch? You have been writing a long time so take a break. Do you want to see in my backpack? What is in yours? Whoa! New markers! I wonder what they are like. Shall we make a drawing for your blog? Who else uses photos on their blogs. Let's look! Wow! She has nice photos. I wonder if she takes photography class. That might be fun. What? Get lost? You are writing? What is up with that? Please, please stay with me.

   You disappoint me,

   CURIOSITY 

                  "Curiosity has no stake in the real world."

                                        Elizabeth Gilbert