What Is An Underdog?

                          Day 25-

    A competitor thought to have little chance of winning a fight or contest is the underdog.

Twenty years ago the type of breast cancer I have was considered extremely dangerous. There was little chance of winning the fight. But with a new drug and combination of treatments I will be able to rise up out of this sentence.

"This is not a new story, but it is one worth remembering. Most women with breast cancer are aware of the "miracle drug" Herceptin/Trastuzumab. It has changed the prognosis for women with this kind of breast cancer from an often lethal disease to one that can often be effectively treated. I have heard several oncologists say that it has "leveled the playing field" for women with HER2-positive breast cancer as compared to those with other types of the disease. One oncologist even told me that, if she is ever diagnosed with breast cancer, she hopes that it is HER2-positive. This is a strong statement that reflects the incredible impact a single drug breakthrough can make."

When I fight a hard battle I like to have an anthem running in my head. A song that I choose especially for this time of my life. I stumbled onto Alicia Key's song Underdog and immediately reacted to her words. I am not homeless, not a single mother, not a doctor on the frontline, but I am a fighter who feels that I will be able to rise up from under this shadow of disease. 

Today is the twenty fifth day of writing about my walk with cancer. I feel that I am current with the story but it is not finished. I have many miles to go and I know I will add stories in the future. Thank you for reading along. Thank you for your encouraging words. It has cheered me and given me hope to rise up and live my life to the fullest. 

She was walking in the street, looked up and noticed

He was nameless, he was homeless

She asked him his name and told him what hers was

He gave her a story 'bout a life

With a glint in his eye and a corner of a smile

One conversation, a simple moment

The things that change us if we notice

When we look up, sometimes

They said I would never make it

But I was built to break the mold

The only dream that I've been chasing is my own

So I sing a song for the hustlers trading at the bus stop

Single mothers waiting on a check to come

Young teachers, student doctors

(Cancer patients)

Doctors on the frontline knowing they don't get to run

This goes out to the underdog on keeping at what you love

You'll find that someday soon enough

You will rise up, rise up,…

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Chemo Side Effect Helps

Day 24-

“Did you notice the smile on a cancer patient's face after the last treatment?

That's the smile you want on your face.” 

― Lawrence Wray

I'm working to get through that gate. On the bench I'll rest for a while and then I have intention of walking along that path of good health.

So where am I today?

I've just had the fifth treatment of strong chemo drugs. I have one more to go and then the third drug, not chemo, but a target drug will be given every three weeks until May 2021. Radiation is on the horizon in the Fall.

I am a person that looks for patterns. Mostly I crave some consistency. I have carefully watched my reactions to chemo to find some predictability. It has taken me this long to feel like I know the name of my chemo drugs, know what the intended reason for using them, and know the side effects they create in my body.

Technically, I've had this information for months and months but I just couldn't read the reams of paper without feeling afraid. If you tell me that there is a possibility of a side effect I will look for it.

Not a good idea.

Here are some helps that are working to offset the side effects in my body.

• Push liquids through your system just like they tell you. Your body will want to reject these drugs and it will need to eliminate most of the fluids that are injected into your bloodstream. Lots of liquids help the dizziness and feeling of bodily instability.
• Drinking two ounces of Aloe Vera juice twice a day helps to cool the mucous system that is on fire because of the inflammatory response your body launches.
• Gargle with salt water many times a day. That helps the mouth stay less reactive and prevents sores form forming there.
• Walk every day. That seems weird on some days when I feel dizzy but I just grab my walking stick and go as far as I feel I can. 
• Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and little meat. Some days the chemicals in your mouth change the way foods taste but I try to enjoy the summer fruits that are here now.
• A foot bath in the evening of very warm water with apple cider vinegar and shaved ginger root keeps my feet from swelling and hurting.
• Prepare for sleep by winding down at night. No stimulating reading, watching, or thinking. I listen to my Calm App and let it tell me a story to bring sleep more easily. 

These are just a few ideas. Mainly I want you to know that there are solutions to most issues. The solution may only be temporary but today is the day to survive.

Go to Day 25
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Hope

Day 23-

 “Because the Restoration reaffirmed the foundational truth that God does work in this world, we can hope, we should hope, even when facing the most insurmountable odds.”

                                     -Elder Jeffery R. Holland 

This lovely, inspiring painting by Annie Henrie Nader, is hanging in my studio as a print. The tree is the tree of life and if you can enlarge this on your computer you can see how Annie painted a genealogy pedigree among the tree's branches. The glowing fruit of the tree is the love of God. His love resonates within the fruit as we partake of the Atonement of his son, Jesus Christ. This fruit is to be shared. This fruit fills me with hope.

“We still have hopes that have not yet been fulfilled. Even as we speak, we are waging an “all hands on deck” war with COVID-19, a solemn reminder that a virus 1,000 times smaller than a grain of sand can bring entire populations and global economies to their knees.”

Elder Jeffery R. Holland gave a truly invigorating talk in the 2020 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was entitled A Perfect Brightness Of Hope. 

I needed that talk and the re-reading of his words has brought me a rekindling of hope.

“We pray for those who have lost loved ones in this modern plague, as well as for those who are currently infected or at risk. We certainly pray for those who are giving such magnificent health care. When we have conquered this—and we will—may we be equally committed to freeing the world from the virus of hunger, freeing neighborhoods and nations from the virus of poverty.” 

Elder Holland speaks with such power when he declares that we will conquer the plague of Corona Virus. It made me more hopeful that I to can conquer the disease of cancer.

“May we hope for schools where students are taught—not terrified they will be shot—and for the gift of personal dignity for every child of God, unmarred by any form of racial, ethnic, or religious prejudice. Undergirding all of this is our relentless hope for greater devotion to the two greatest of all commandments: to love God by keeping His counsel and to love our neighbors by showing kindness and compassion, patience and forgiveness.” 

Going back to Annie's painting I sense in the energy of the bodies receiving the fruit is one of forward moving. Hope can't flower if we sit on it and wait. Hope opens up when we act and move forward as if it was already so.

“May we press forward with love in our hearts, walking in the “brightness of hope” that lights the path of holy anticipation we have been on now for 200 years. I testify that the future is going to be as miracle-filled and bountifully blessed as the past has been.”

Thank you Elder Holland for lifting my spirit and allowing me to live in hope instead of fear.

Go To Day 24-

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My Dream Medical Team

Day 22-

An ideal medical team has many helpers on board. If you could afford helpers to get your health up to where you desire, who would they be? 

1. First Up- My Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Their son Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost. Their divine help is eternal because they know me from before my mortal birth, they know me now, and they know who I am becoming in the future. They know all this, all at once, outside of time. They provide help with so much more knowledge that anyone else.
2. My Oncologist-She is like the team captain. She knows my cancer the best. She understands if I need surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, or any other treatments. The playbook and the strategies are in her knowledge base.
3. The Acupuncturist- She is like the bench coach in baseball. If my energetic field needs clearing, she has Chinese herbs and remedies that work with the whole body system. She makes sure the body is filled with life giving energy.
4. The Naturopath- She is like the pitching coach. It would be ideal if she specialized in oncology. My diet, supplements, and overall health is her concern. She believes in natural healing and would look to find ways to augment, mitigate, or replace drugs in the healing process. She would help me to understand what supplements I need to avoid which conflict with chemotherapy.
5. The Therapist- She would be like the team manager in baseball. Sometimes I need a person to help my over re-acting brain. Just talking to someone who sees me and encourages my good changes is a balm in Gilead. Accountability for what I want to improve is also a really good support.
6. The Massage Therapist- She would be like the bullpen coach. She is getting the player ready to get out in the field. To have a regular assist in allowing the muscles in my body to let go, is heaven.
7. The Physical Therapist- She is like the hitting and base coaches in baseball. If my body is aching or in pain the physical therapist can often see where I am not in alignment skeletally. Her exercises can help me walk better, sit better,  do the work of everyday with smarter muscle movement.
8. Friends and even strangers who understand- These team members, perhaps like fans, are my life line. A chat a day, or every week with someone who loves me is like living water. A card or letter helps me feel connected to the world going on around me who is not fighting my fight but willing to be a witness to my fight.  

What a team of helpers! Only one of these is covered by insurance so I can't afford them all. Some I pay for out of pocket as needed. Some are free of charge

Wouldn't it be something if our health system had all of these helpers working together in one facility, sharing information?

Go To Day 23-

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Losing My Hair

"Hair loss makes cancer patients feel exposed and vulnerable. Something this visible can cause an unwelcome intrusion, transforming a personal health struggle into one that is public."

Hats are making a big come back in my life. Here is a montage of pictures of four generations. Top left; my grandmother, top right; my mother, bottom left; me, and bottom right my adorable granddaughter.

At The Kitchen Table 

“It’s happening.” I said it quietly and slowly. 

“What is?” He looked up from his book. 

“You know, the thing I’ve been dreading.” He should know exactly what I was talking about. 

“ Ah….I’m going to be in the dog house here, I know, but….what are you dreading again?” 

A slow, rolling angst was coming up from my core. 

“I have cancer, you know!” 

He looked up with a dismayed expression. 

“What is going on?” He arose from his side of the table and came around to sit next to me. 

The tears burst from my eyes. “I am losing my hair. There was a big bunch in the shower today. I didn’t actually think it would happen.” 

He pulled me up from my chair and held me firmly against the truth of my life.

It has been therapeutic to write about my walk with cancer but I have not been able to go out in public without a head covering. At first I thought is was vanity but it is more about being in control of a mop of hair that I shampoo, blow dry and style, and then this projects or makes a statement about who I am. As of yet, baldness just isn't a good look for me, although it is convenient and less costly when it comes to haircuts and hair coloring. By Christmas I should have my wish. A new head of hair. 

Go To Day 21

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How Covid-19 Changed Cancer Treatments

Day 19-

 "You don't look anything like you do on Zoom."

Before Covid our doctors and nurses had faces we could read. I looked for signs of worry and concern in their eyes. 

When I met my second oncologist for the first time in person she said to me, "You don't look anything like you do on Zoom."

I laughed out loud. "Well, there's no way I can even tell who you are."

Before Covid you could walk into a medical facility and approach the receptionist.  Now, I am greeted with questions, my temperature is taken with a wand, and I am given an oxygen test. Then I stand behind a plexiglass wall and talk to the receptionist.

Before Covid you could bring up to three people to your chemo infusions. Sometimes, or so my nurses told me, it turned into a party. I have a dear friend whose father went through chemo treatments. He dressed up in a different theme each time and his family and friends came dressed in that theme as well. So if the theme was clowns, then everyone he brought to chemo was dressed like a clown.

Now I go alone, with my mask on, sit six feet apart and busy myself with reading or knitting for the four hour treatment. 

All these procedure are for health and safety. 

It can feel like scarcity of warmth and engagement. But for now, it is enough.

Do the birds panic in winter? In the barrenness do they despair? The opposite of scarcity is enough. Whole heartedness is born of scarcity. 

There is peace in enough.

                            

                                 Go To Day 20

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Vulnerability Is Tied To Wholeheartedness

Day 18-

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. - Brene Brown

Confession

 I have a confession. Since corona virus quarantine I’ve become a hermit. I don’t go anywhere or engage with anyone in person. My piano teaching happens online, with my best efforts to ask questions and draw each student out a little bit.

  My real interactions with strangers happen when I go to the infusion center to get Chemo.

There twenty to thirty people sit six feet apart. Extroverts make the interactions playful and even the more introverted patients smile while the nurses joke and tease. 

My confession is that this experience is more enjoyable than I let on in my family. I try not to play the cancer card as a way to get more attention but I do like the way my husband and daughter pat me on the back and tell me how brave I am. Little do they know that this is a fairly happy place and I am hungry for real people and real conversation.

I think our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. It means engaging with the world from a place of vulnerability and worthiness. -Brene Brown

Go To Day 19

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The First Chemo Infusion

Day 15-

Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. - Brene Brown

Chemo

                                         I didn’t want to look.

                                         I anticipated illness,

                                                  Sadness, 

                                         and my hands shook.
                                  Did I really have to witness?


                                     All around me in chairs
                               Men and women, young and old
                                    Sat, tethered, with no hair.
                               Instead of frail, most looked bold.


                         The sun streamed through the windows
                                    The treetops bowed just so
                             They gave their strength to heroes
                                     Who needed that to grow.

                                 Instead of tragedy and pain,
                                         I witnessed tenacity. 
                             Instead of hearing them complain,
                                         I saw more capacity.


                                            To see beauty here
                                   I had to be willing to be a seer.

My first chemo treatment was a lesson in embracing vulnerability.

 

Go To Day Day 16-

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An Oncologist I Can Talk To

Day 16-

Hope, unlike optimism, is rooted in unalloyed reality. Although there is no uniform definition of hope, I found one that seemed to capture what my patients had taught me. Hope is the elevating feeling we experience when we see - in the mind's eye- a path to a better future. Hope acknowledges the significant obstacles and deep pitfalls along that path. True hope has no room for delusion.” 

― Jerome Groopman, The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Face of Illness

Although I wanted to believe that I could take care of this cancer by myself I felt that I needed an oncologist who would see me as a person and the strides I had made towards a healthier body. In my opinion, my efforts needed to be calculated into the treatment plan. Going back to my previous oncologist was not going to give me what I needed. 

So on recommendation from a new friend who was also going through breast cancer, I called for an appointment with a female oncologist in the same medical group. She was a specialist in breast cancer and I would learn later that she actually owned this medical practice with oncologists in three different locations. 

Our first visit was a telemedicine call and she listened very well. She was most encouraging, telling me that my weight loss and diet change was putting me way ahead of the race for a cure. She recounted my cancer diagnosis and basically gave me the same treatment plan as the previous doctor. Why did it sound more hopeful coming from her? My window of opportunity was right now, she said. I should be done with the chemo treatments by September 11th if I started right away. Her offices were located in a different facility, away from the city which meant an added twenty minute drive but there was a back way, avoiding the freeway, and it was a very calm drive.  

My first visit there was for a blood draw. A big white tent in the parking lot housed the lab technicians who came to the car window to take my blood. This was a new Covid-19 precaution. They wore protective equipment and I wore a mask. These were only the beginnings of new procedures in place to protect everyone from the flu. It was now mid May and many bumps in medical precautions were ironed out. Dr. Blau was not hopeful that the pandemic would be over by summer.She was prepared to keep going with the precautions she and her board had set up for an undefined period of time. 

I had confidence in her knowledge and that made all the difference.

Go To Day 17

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The Whirlwinds

Day 15-

“Not all the whirlwinds in life are of your own making. Some come because of the wrong choices of others, and some come just because this is mortality.” -Elder Neil L. Anderson

      Today being a sabbath day I feel drawn to more carefully express my attachment to the words of Elder Neil L. Anderson in 2014. In his talk, "Spiritual Whirlwinds" he gave voice to what is causing me concern today. I feel those whirlwinds acutely. As I struggle through this cancer journey, I am also buffeted by the whirlwinds close at hand in my family and community and farther afield, the whirlwinds within my country. How can I handle the unrest in my body and soul?

“How do you prepare for your whirlwinds? “Remember … it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; 

that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds,

 … his shafts in the whirlwind, … 

when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, 

it shall have no power … 

to drag you down …

 because of the rock upon which ye are built.” This is your safety in the whirlwind.”

Can it be true? Can my focus on the Savior release the power of the whirlwind? Can it stop the soul sucking drag of negativity and turmoil?

I believe it can. It has in my life. That is what I wanted to express in the painting collage below. She is serene even as the whirlwinds move around her. 

On her lap are these words:

“As you do, I promise you that you will see the whirlwinds for what they are—tests, temptations, distractions, or challenges to help you grow.”

Go To Day 16-

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A Time Of Waiting

Day 14

Goals are like bowls 

that hold all the dreams 

of what you see yourself becoming. 

I don’t drink from the bowl impatiently 

lest I spill my good intentions.

 I dip my fingers into the bowl judiciously, licking up the traces of new 

moves forward from my fingers.

March and April 2020 were turbulent as the whole world tried to get the Covid-19 cases under control. We were all in voluntary isolation to allow the medical community time to prepare for what could be a catastrophic emergency. 

I was personally giving myself time to get my physical body in order. Having maintained my sugar free and flour free diet I decided to become plant based, too. My parents raised me on  meat based meals. Every recipe had at it's foundation some kind of animal product. Now I was building a new foundation built upon vegetables and fruits. I purchased an InstaPot in which I made soups and stews. Vegetables and soy pretended to be ground beef and portobello mushrooms became the carriers for savory spices smothered in onions. A new energy and vitality arose inside of me and with that energy came a desire to fight cancer with the power of diet and exercise. I watched the Food Revolution Summit and learned how powerful food really was in fighting disease. Chris Wark became an inspiration to me as I read and watched his story of beating cancer without chemotherapy and radiation. My acupuncturist was willing to continue helping me no matter which direction I followed. She had cancer patients who had followed each path and she stressed that I need to feel confident in my decision.  She did give my a strong warning. If diet was going to be my primary attack against any cancer cells left in my body after surgery I needed to stay on that course the rest of my life. Her research showed that cancer would grow back faster if there was a return to  a sugar and meat based western diet

Even as I was moving toward a natural means of cancer healing I knew I needed an oncologist to help me through the process. A friend going through a similar breast cancer was given a recommendation of an oncologist who was in the same umbrella organization as my doctor. She encouraged me to see if I could get an appointment. I worked hard to get that appointment in May.

Go To Day 16

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Then Covid-19 Hit The World

Day 13

"We can learn from this when faced with turbulence in our own lives. When things are really tough and the situation is changing fast, tucking in our wings, scaling back commitments and retreating into what is most important can help to cushion the blow."- Beth Kempton "We Are All In This Together'

My last appointment with the oncologist and his PA before starting chemo was scheduled March 13. Our governor instituted a statewide quarantine. Schools closed. I had been changing the procedures with my piano students over those weeks; hand sanitizer at the door before entering my home and wiping down the piano after every student. I started scrambling to figure out how to teach piano online. How in the world could I start chemotherapy? I sent an e-mail to my doctor and told him I wanted to postpone. His nurse e-mailed back that he thought I should show up to the March 13th appointment. 

I felt scared and confused.

My daughter and I went to that appointment in masks. We sat across the desk from the PA, who was also masked, while she rehearsed in great detail each drug I would receive and the potential side effects. In my head I was screaming NO, not now. I told the PA how I felt and that I would likely stay with my decision to delay.

"Will the doctor fire me if I choose to wait?" I asked.

She laughed. "No, but I can't see it getting any better soon."

I needed assurances but I could tell the medical world couldn't give me any because they had no idea what was going to happen. 

I turned to my heavenly source and prayed to know how to proceed. I felt a calmness when I made the decision to postpone. I would let things unfold until May. 

With that decision made, I turned my attention to figuring out how to teach piano online effectively and how to maneuver in a world without toilet paper.

Go To Day 14

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The Chemo Port

Day-12

Tethered 

A ship may safely anchor in a port 

Or even have an opening 

Where it’s possible to view the transport 

But is it wise for me to have one here 

Underneath my skin, so measured 

To make it possible, without fear 

To let chemo enter? I am tethered.

Next stop, a small surgery to put in a chemo port.

I understand the need. If the veins in my arms were to receive hours of infusions over a long period of time it could become problematic. But understanding this procedure was different than having the port placed and then seeing and feeling the port everyday on my chest. It was just weird. 

The physician's assistant who placed the port was really very engaging and interesting. He explained the procedure and when I asked him if I would be asleep during the placement he answered that I would not. 

"You'll hear us talking, but won't feel a thing." he said.

"What drug are you using?", I asked.

"It is a drug called Fentanyl." 

I laughed. How funny that in a recent murder mystery I was writing, the drug injected to kill my victim was Fentanyl.

I explained to him that I could call this procedure writer's research since in truth I had no idea what this drug really was or how it was used legally or illegally. 

"Well, we don't get it off the streets." he joked.

It worked very well. I heard him chatting with the nurses about his son learning to play the cello. He said that as his son improved he himself was opening up to the world of classical music. I remember that the music in the background was all famous cello pieces. I recognized the Bach Cello Suite played by Yo Yo Ma particularly.

I went home from that experience with some editing ideas for my novel and a weird bump underneath the skin on my chest where I would be receiving life saving drugs.

Go To Day 13

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The Oncologist

Day 11-

Breast cancer isn't one disease - it's probably four or five different types, and without knowing what type a person has, you can't optimize treatment for them.- Leroy Hood

Oncologist: A physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. After a cancer diagnosis is made, it is the oncologist's role to explain the cancer diagnosis and the meaning of the disease stage to the patient; discuss various treatment options; recommend the best course of treatment; deliver optimal care; and improve quality of life both through curative therapy and palliative care with pain and symptom management.

My insurance company assigned me to an oncologist and I was very nervous about my first visit. His office was located next to a big city hospital. As my husband and I entered the waiting room I came face to face with cancer. 

"I am not like these people." I thought to myself. 

I looked down distracting myself with my phone.

The doctor was a soft spoken man who started at my diagnosis and went over all that had brought me to this point. Then he handed me a pamphlet of papers with the chemo protocol.

"I want the least amount of chemo possible." I said.

 My voice was shaky. My husband took my hand.

"Well actually, you really want the most chemo your body can tolerate. We want to destroy all cells of your cancer everywhere in your body."

He described a treatment plan of six rounds of three chemo drugs every three weeks. It would take about four months.

"But....will I be able to work? I teach piano lessons to thirty students."

"It would be best to be away from little children while your body is undergoing this treatment. The drugs lower your immune system."

I felt myself receding into a distant place. My jokes disappeared. I couldn't see myself in the this scenario.

Under Stress 

                    When under difficult stress 

                    My mind seeks a safe place to rest 

                   Instead of remembering more 

                   It invariably remembers less.

The next step was a surgical procedure to put a port into my chest which would allow the infusion of chemo to enter my bloodstream without stressing the veins in my arm.

Go To Day 12

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A Rad Radiologist

Day 10-

 We can reduce these cancer rates - breast cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer - by 90 percent or more by people adopting what I call a nutritrarian diet. -Joel Fuhrman

What made my radiologist so rad? 

She took one full hour to talk through my diagnosis and then the majority of our visit was a discussion of exercise and diet. I have never had such a thorough conversation about diet with any doctor. And, she was so excited about my twenty-two pound weight loss. She made my ability to reverse my course seem possible and very likely.

Here are some highlights.

Exercise, seven days a week for 45 minutes can make a real difference in prevention of reoccurrence of breast cancer. Why?

The exercise moves the blood around, strengthens the immune system, reduces insulin growth factor 1, and helps fight fatigue.

Removing excess sugar from the diet will reduce insulin growth factor 1.

Cancer feeds off dietary cholesterol. Red meat and eggs are really high in cholesterol and insulin growth factor 1. WHO announced in 2015 that red meat is a carcinogen equal to breathing asbestos.

A whole food, plant based diet provides the best protection against breast cancer.

Soy got a bad wrap years ago. In the Sanghai Breast Study eating soy regularly was shown to reduce risk of breast cancer.

Kaiser, a west coast Insurance Company, did the same study and came up with the same results. Here are some links for further research.

Milk and Cheese increase risk of breast cancer

Soy is helpful in preventing cancer

Shagnhai Breast Cancer Study

This information brought a new level of control to my outlook on the future. I was ready to make a real change in my health habits.

An Asian way of eating and living may help prevent and even reverse the progression of coronary heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, obesity, prostate cancer and breast cancer. Incorporate more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, soy products and fish in your diet. Eat at home more with your family and friends.-Dean Ornish

Go To Day 11

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