The Biopsy Results

Day 4-

I hope for things unknown 

Small things, big things 

While this bubble of possibility stays afloat 

My mind charts a course and my heart sings.

      My husband and I were driving on the mainland to visit my son and help decorate their Christmas tree. I was behind the wheel and the call came through the car speaker. I normally don't answer a call for a number I don't recognize while driving but somehow I just knew it was important. 

   "We have the results from your biopsy."

    "Hang on, please, I need to park my car."

I looked over at my husband and quickly pulled off the road into a parking lot. I was suddenly so grateful that he was right here beside me.

  The cancer was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. This kind of cancer grows in the milk ducts and when it becomes invasive it breaks out of that space and into other breast tissue. My next step would be to get a referral and see a surgeon.

  After ending the call, my husband took my hand and began telling me about this type of cancer. It is one of the most common types, in fact 80% of breast cancers fall into this category.

  "How do you know all this?" I asked him.

  "I've been reading about breast cancer."

While I had been avoiding, panicking, and dreading, my husband had been learning all he could. I was so grateful.

  We continued driving to our little party with our grandchildren. As they jumped up and down, talking about this special ornament and that homemade gem I felt my heart lighten. In fact I felt joy. Should I allow joy to creep in? Count your blessings, I told myself, name them one by one. 

1. I was with family that loved me.
2. My grandchildren were happy to be with me
3. My daughter committed to going off sugar and flour with me
4. I was feeling physically very good
5. Christmas was coming

    The list could go on. A feeling of foreboding was best treated with gratitude. This was not a new lesson for me. I had experience with this concept. For most of my life I had experienced foreboding joy. In some instances I actually practiced mental tragedies so that I could figure out how to deal with it. But I was overcoming this tendency. I knew better now. 

   Yes, I was in a vulnerable place. Yes, I was unsure of the future. Yes, I didn't know what would happen next, but I wasn't going to come out from under the vulnerability by numbing the feelings of joy. Joy comes unexpectantly and I needed to practice leaning into the good parts as well as the bad.

"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding: ‘I’m scared it’s going to be taken away. The other shoe’s going to drop…’ What we do in moments of joyfulness is, we try to beat vulnerability to the punch.”

Brené Brown

The next stop was to meet a surgeon.

Go To Day 5

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